1
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[UP-TEMPOED REMIX OF BING CROSBY'S
"WHITE CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]

2
00:00:52,637 --> 00:00:53,972
Hi.

3
00:00:54,514 --> 00:00:55,598
Hi.

4
00:00:56,182 --> 00:00:58,142
My name is Kent. What's your name?

5
00:00:58,434 --> 00:01:01,271
- Daphne.
- Daphne? That's a really beautiful name.

6
00:01:01,437 --> 00:01:03,314
It sounds like the name of a flower.

7
00:01:03,481 --> 00:01:06,192
I know it's not a flower,
but it sounds like it could be.

8
00:01:08,152 --> 00:01:09,487
I like flowers.

9
00:01:09,654 --> 00:01:13,491
Smelling them, or sending them
to people and stuff. It's good.

10
00:01:17,412 --> 00:01:18,830
Where you from?

11
00:01:19,289 --> 00:01:22,208
- Connecticut.
- Oh, really? I'm a big fan of Connecticut.

12
00:01:22,375 --> 00:01:23,960
I'm a big-- Who isn't, right?

13
00:01:24,127 --> 00:01:27,213
You're close enough to the city
that you can really enjoy it...

14
00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:29,465
...but far enough away
for a small-town feel.

15
00:01:29,632 --> 00:01:32,385
- Did you go to school out there?
- Yeah. I went to Wesleyan.

16
00:01:32,552 --> 00:01:34,137
Perfect. That's a great school.

17
00:01:34,304 --> 00:01:36,431
- What did you major in?
- Psychology.

18
00:01:36,598 --> 00:01:37,724
That's great.

19
00:01:37,890 --> 00:01:40,518
Those are really beautiful earrings,
by the way.

20
00:01:40,685 --> 00:01:42,604
They do a nice job
of complementing your--

21
00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:46,858
I'm gonna stop you right there.
On paper, you've done everything right.

22
00:01:47,025 --> 00:01:51,362
You took an interest in my personal history,
complimented my accessories...

23
00:01:51,529 --> 00:01:53,990
...blah, blah, blah.

24
00:01:54,449 --> 00:01:57,452
If we'd met in college, we probably
would have had a relationship...

25
00:01:57,619 --> 00:01:58,953
...which I'd come to regret...

26
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:02,707
...because I'd have found out that you're
as boring and polite in the bedroom...

27
00:02:02,874 --> 00:02:05,543
...as you have been during
this god-awful conversation.

28
00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:07,879
- Okay, Daphne--
- If I wanted an asexual pen pal...

29
00:02:08,046 --> 00:02:09,547
...you'd be at the top of my list.

30
00:02:09,714 --> 00:02:11,549
We could just iChat all night long.

31
00:02:11,716 --> 00:02:13,676
"LOL." Giggles.

32
00:02:13,843 --> 00:02:16,554
But, unfortunately,
that's not what I'm looking for.

33
00:02:16,721 --> 00:02:19,891
I want a man whose hand doesn't shake
when he puts it up my shirt.

34
00:02:20,058 --> 00:02:21,476
You know what I'm saying?

35
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- Okay, Daphne, if I could interject for a--
- Save it, Kent. I'm not looking for a BFF.

36
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Daphne, please.

37
00:02:29,609 --> 00:02:31,611
Bitch, I'm talking to you.

38
00:02:33,446 --> 00:02:36,324
- What did you call me?
- I didn't stutter.

39
00:02:36,491 --> 00:02:39,077
Oh, you sure can talk the talk,
you crazy little slut...

40
00:02:39,243 --> 00:02:40,787
...but can you deliver the goodies?

41
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I don't give a damn about Connecticut.

42
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I hate those cheap earrings.

43
00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:49,045
I'm from North Dakota...

44
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...and this is how we handle our business
in the Bison State, mama.

45
00:02:54,092 --> 00:02:55,593
Get your hands off me right now...

46
00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,471
...or I'll take you to your knees
in front of this entire bar.

47
00:02:58,638 --> 00:03:00,014
Promise?

48
00:03:14,737 --> 00:03:16,447
GIRL:
Oh, my God. Did you see that?

49
00:03:16,614 --> 00:03:19,701
BRAD: Hold on, angel crossing!
Angel crossing! Get on there.

50
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,160
Here we come! Watch out.

51
00:03:39,637 --> 00:03:41,305
BRAD:
What a beautiful view.

52
00:03:43,182 --> 00:03:45,101
So this is where you live?

53
00:03:47,437 --> 00:03:50,481
This is where you live too, honey.
Come on.

54
00:03:54,986 --> 00:03:58,489
KATE: What'd you think about Daphne?
- I really liked Daphne.

55
00:03:58,656 --> 00:03:59,657
KATE: You did?
- Yeah.

56
00:03:59,824 --> 00:04:00,867
Definitely naughty.

57
00:04:01,325 --> 00:04:04,287
- She was a lot naughty, but in a fun way.
- Yeah.

58
00:04:04,454 --> 00:04:05,538
Did you like Kent?

59
00:04:05,705 --> 00:04:06,998
KATE: Kent was hot.
- Really?

60
00:04:07,165 --> 00:04:10,835
- Those glasses were a nice touch.
- I started feeling the Great Plains vibe.

61
00:04:11,002 --> 00:04:13,337
Like he was an angry cowboy
who drives a van.

62
00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:15,965
- Hot.
- But has ninja equipment at his apartment.

63
00:04:16,382 --> 00:04:18,843
He had a lot happening, Kent.
You know what I mean?

64
00:04:19,010 --> 00:04:21,846
- He's like a Transformer.
- I might need to meet Kent again.

65
00:04:22,513 --> 00:04:24,974
Come here, toothpaste and all.

66
00:04:25,683 --> 00:04:27,310
- I love you, Kate.
- I love you, Brad.

67
00:04:27,477 --> 00:04:28,978
You're the best girl in the world.

68
00:04:30,813 --> 00:04:32,607
INSTRUCTOR:
Ready, and...

69
00:04:32,774 --> 00:04:35,777
...slow, quick, quick, slow.

70
00:04:44,869 --> 00:04:47,789
INSTRUCTOR: Brad, streamlined arms.
Kate, hold your frame.

71
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:49,540
A one and a two.

72
00:04:59,050 --> 00:05:00,968
Let's get these off of you.

73
00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:02,678
That was fun.

74
00:05:02,845 --> 00:05:04,722
- That feels good.
- It's the acupressure.

75
00:05:04,889 --> 00:05:06,682
- Really?
- I don't know what I'm doing.

76
00:05:07,141 --> 00:05:10,144
This stuff is connected to all
different stuff inside your tummy.

77
00:05:10,311 --> 00:05:11,979
- I know.
- If I push the wrong thing...

78
00:05:12,146 --> 00:05:14,232
- Do you know what that's for?
- Not till later.

79
00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:17,401
- Okay?
- So when's the big day?

80
00:05:18,110 --> 00:05:19,570
KATE: Hm?
- I'm sorry?

81
00:05:19,737 --> 00:05:22,073
We're getting married
in the spring in South Carolina.

82
00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:24,826
- What about you guys?
- Oh, we're not getting married.

83
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:28,496
WOMAN: Oh.
- So why are you taking dance classes?

84
00:05:28,663 --> 00:05:30,122
That's just one of many things...

85
00:05:30,289 --> 00:05:32,166
-...that we do together.
- Yeah, it's fun.

86
00:05:32,333 --> 00:05:34,377
I can't think of anything
we don't do together.

87
00:05:34,544 --> 00:05:36,921
Right. So why wouldn't
you wanna get married?

88
00:05:37,088 --> 00:05:38,923
- Well, we're happy.
- We're happy.

89
00:05:39,090 --> 00:05:40,258
And I love her, so...

90
00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:43,553
Marriage just brings pressure
and stress and all kinds of stuff.

91
00:05:43,719 --> 00:05:45,888
We don't want our relationship
to turn into work.

92
00:05:46,055 --> 00:05:49,100
We wanna be together because
we enjoy it, not because we have to.

93
00:05:49,267 --> 00:05:51,853
There's a reason
that they use the expressions:

94
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,771
"Tying the knot" or "ball and chain."

95
00:05:53,938 --> 00:05:56,274
Have you listened to the words
of a marriage ceremony?

96
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,151
Like, "I promise to obey"?
Or, "Till death do us part"?

97
00:05:59,318 --> 00:06:01,028
I'd rather be stuck on an island...

98
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:04,448
...with some weird millionaire hunting me
and me trying to escape...

99
00:06:04,615 --> 00:06:06,534
...than be involved with those slogans.

100
00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:09,370
That's like a time bomb
waiting to explode.

101
00:06:09,745 --> 00:06:11,789
What about children?
You want to make them, no?

102
00:06:11,956 --> 00:06:13,249
- No.
- No. No.

103
00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:15,626
- I don't wanna make them.
KATE: Uh-uh.

104
00:06:17,336 --> 00:06:20,089
I just don't wanna, like,
be responsible for this kid...

105
00:06:20,256 --> 00:06:22,300
...and hurt their feelings
and disappoint them.

106
00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:24,260
That's what happened with our families.

107
00:06:24,427 --> 00:06:26,637
We're both from divorced families.
We've seen it.

108
00:06:26,804 --> 00:06:28,598
We don't need to repeat the pattern.

109
00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:31,642
But, anyway,
congratulations on getting married.

110
00:06:31,809 --> 00:06:33,853
That sounds really cool,
and to each their own.

111
00:06:34,020 --> 00:06:35,187
Yeah, absolutely.

112
00:06:35,354 --> 00:06:37,815
BRAD: Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

113
00:07:02,757 --> 00:07:03,799
Big Bad Brad.

114
00:07:04,342 --> 00:07:06,594
ERIC: How you guys doing?
- Look at this. How are you?

115
00:07:06,761 --> 00:07:08,554
- You remember my girlfriend.
- How are you?

116
00:07:08,721 --> 00:07:10,139
- Stan and Eric.
- Good to see you.

117
00:07:10,306 --> 00:07:12,683
So, what are you guys doing
for Christmas?

118
00:07:12,850 --> 00:07:15,394
I've got the entire family flying in.

119
00:07:15,561 --> 00:07:17,772
Thirteen airport pickups.

120
00:07:17,939 --> 00:07:21,651
Four days of listening
to how gifted my nieces are.

121
00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:25,154
My brother thinks his daughter,
the 4-year-old...

122
00:07:25,321 --> 00:07:26,864
...is gonna be the next Beyoncé.

123
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,533
[HUMMING]

124
00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:33,329
She's bad. And she sucks.

125
00:07:34,914 --> 00:07:39,001
I'm vacationing in tropical Albany
this year with Trish's family.

126
00:07:39,168 --> 00:07:40,920
They got us a cot, which is awesome.

127
00:07:41,087 --> 00:07:44,882
But we'll probably sleep on the musty couch
in the basement with the cats...

128
00:07:45,049 --> 00:07:46,634
...all seven of them.

129
00:07:46,801 --> 00:07:48,761
Oh, and we get to be there
the whole week.

130
00:07:48,928 --> 00:07:50,805
Kind of sounds like a prison sentence.

131
00:07:50,972 --> 00:07:52,640
Why do you put yourselves
through that?

132
00:07:52,807 --> 00:07:56,602
- It's Christmas, right? Don't you have to?
- We don't need to do it anymore.

133
00:07:56,769 --> 00:07:59,522
- And we absolutely don't do it anymore.
- We're done.

134
00:07:59,689 --> 00:08:00,856
Why, what are you doing?

135
00:08:01,023 --> 00:08:03,067
We're going to Fiji. Just the two of us.

136
00:08:03,234 --> 00:08:05,069
- Fiji?
KATE: Yeah.

137
00:08:05,236 --> 00:08:06,737
Don't your families get upset?

138
00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:08,739
You tell them you're doing charity work.

139
00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:12,076
You know, something like building houses
in Third World countries.

140
00:08:12,243 --> 00:08:14,286
Teaching English in Puerto Rico.

141
00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,414
Delousing orphans in Somalia.

142
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:19,625
Helping Chinese kids capture lobsters...

143
00:08:19,792 --> 00:08:23,421
...boil them, cut them,
clean the weird stuff out of the middle.

144
00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:27,299
We find that the more details you give
kind of throws them off the scent.

145
00:08:28,259 --> 00:08:30,678
You lie to your families at Christmastime?

146
00:08:30,845 --> 00:08:33,222
You really can't spell
"families" without "lies."

147
00:08:33,389 --> 00:08:34,932
Try it.

148
00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:38,019
But don't you ever feel guilty?

149
00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:41,063
For taking a vacation on our vacation?
No, not really.

150
00:08:41,230 --> 00:08:44,108
- You do look pretty sexy with a tan.
- Thanks, babe.

151
00:08:45,109 --> 00:08:47,903
You can take this guy.
Take this guy and cover him here.

152
00:08:48,070 --> 00:08:50,865
- Like that.
- Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

153
00:08:53,117 --> 00:08:55,953
By the way, I made a couples' massage
for us when we get in.

154
00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,788
You did? That's great.

155
00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:01,876
I should probably
check us in online after this.

156
00:09:02,043 --> 00:09:03,878
- Did it.
- You checked us in already?

157
00:09:04,045 --> 00:09:05,546
You're the best, sweetheart.

158
00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:08,299
I picked up those noise-canceling
headphones you wanted.

159
00:09:08,466 --> 00:09:10,551
- You did not.
- It's next to your travel pillow.

160
00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:12,803
- Oh, my God, I kept hinting.
- I'm excited.

161
00:09:12,970 --> 00:09:16,098
We should probably sign up for
the scuba boat as soon as we get there...

162
00:09:16,265 --> 00:09:18,350
...because I hear it fills up really quick.

163
00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:21,479
Don't you ever feel like we've
been on this vacation before?

164
00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:26,150
Scuba diving and-- We did that
in Bali and Costa Rica and Hawaii and--

165
00:09:26,317 --> 00:09:29,278
Baby, this is Fiji.
We've never been to Fiji.

166
00:09:29,445 --> 00:09:32,281
That's a whole different island
and the resort is beautiful...

167
00:09:32,448 --> 00:09:34,992
...and the scuba diving there
will be totally different.

168
00:09:35,159 --> 00:09:38,454
It's different water, different fish.
It's gonna be really good.

169
00:09:38,621 --> 00:09:40,331
- I'm excited.
- It's gonna be amazing.

170
00:09:40,498 --> 00:09:42,500
Are you excited? I am. I'm really excited.

171
00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:44,085
I am excited.

172
00:09:46,921 --> 00:09:49,256
- I love you.
- I love you too.

173
00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:05,356
Hey, Mom. Merry Christmas.

174
00:10:05,689 --> 00:10:06,941
Yeah.

175
00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:10,569
Listen, actually,
I'm sorry I didn't call you sooner...

176
00:10:10,736 --> 00:10:13,322
...but we're actually heading out today
to Burma.

177
00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:17,535
Yeah. No, that's exac--
The island in Asia, Burma.

178
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:20,162
We're inoculating babies there.

179
00:10:20,329 --> 00:10:23,207
We'll be-- Absolutely right.
--helping out with these little kids.

180
00:10:23,374 --> 00:10:26,544
Ma, it is such a great cause,
but honestly, it just sucks...

181
00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:29,755
...that we won't be there with you
and the family. You know how much--

182
00:10:30,172 --> 00:10:32,716
I know it's been years
since I've been there for Christmas.

183
00:10:32,883 --> 00:10:35,511
I really wish I would've
called you sooner than I had...

184
00:10:35,678 --> 00:10:38,097
...but I think Kate sent all the gifts
and stuff to you.

185
00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:40,432
Okay.

186
00:10:40,599 --> 00:10:42,726
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

187
00:10:43,394 --> 00:10:45,354
That's "Merry Christmas" in Burmese.

188
00:10:45,896 --> 00:10:48,899
All right, I'll tell her. I love you too. Bye.

189
00:10:49,066 --> 00:10:50,901
You learned "Merry Christmas"
in Burmese?

190
00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:53,529
Honey, I gotta take everything
to the next level.

191
00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:55,322
Come on, let's do this. I'm excited.

192
00:11:18,304 --> 00:11:20,514
WOMAN [ON PA]:
<i>Attention San Francisco passengers...</i>

193
00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:23,976
<i>...all flights have been grounded
due to extreme weather conditions.</i>

194
00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:27,938
Well, the fog's rolled in
and your flight's not going out.

195
00:11:28,105 --> 00:11:30,608
But what I can do
is get you set up for standby...

196
00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:32,902
...on the first flight to Fiji tomorrow,
okay?

197
00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:34,612
Tomorrow won't be great for us.

198
00:11:34,778 --> 00:11:37,406
We've scheduled a couples' massage
and scuba-diving class.

199
00:11:37,573 --> 00:11:39,742
I'm sorry. I don't make the fog,
I deal with it.

200
00:11:39,909 --> 00:11:43,495
And the best I can do is get you guys
set up with a suite at the Radisson.

201
00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:46,540
They're lovely accommodations.
It's right next to the airport.

202
00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:50,294
You can put me up at the Radisson?
That's great. Honey, did you hear that?

203
00:11:50,461 --> 00:11:51,879
No, that's terrific.

204
00:11:52,046 --> 00:11:54,924
Is it possible to take us to Sizzler
and get us McDonald's?

205
00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:56,634
KATE: Brad.
- I'll miss flights more...

206
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,428
...now that I know this
red-carpet service is available.

207
00:11:59,595 --> 00:12:03,224
- That's terrific. I got a suite at the Radisson.
- That's not helping, Brad, okay?

208
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,351
Are you affiliated with another airline?

209
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:08,854
- A sister airline that we could transfer to?
- No, I'm sorry.

210
00:12:09,104 --> 00:12:11,315
Do you have a cousin airline?

211
00:12:11,482 --> 00:12:13,817
An airline that your airline's
felt up before?

212
00:12:13,984 --> 00:12:17,905
<i>The FAA has ruled that the Bay Area fog
is simply too thick.</i>

213
00:12:18,072 --> 00:12:21,992
<i>No flights are coming in or going out
until at least tomorrow morning.</i>

214
00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:25,829
Now let's see how travelers
are coping in all of this chaos.

215
00:12:25,996 --> 00:12:27,665
We have a couple over here.

216
00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:29,333
Excuse me, sir. Excuse me.

217
00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:31,961
Where are you headed for this Christmas?

218
00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:36,340
MARISSA [WHISPERS]:
We're live on the air.

219
00:12:36,715 --> 00:12:39,301
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
You certainly look dressed for a vacation.

220
00:12:43,305 --> 00:12:44,598
We take a--

221
00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:47,101
And then we take the trips.

222
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:50,646
And then we take a trip--
Take the different trip.

223
00:12:50,813 --> 00:12:53,816
What he's trying to say is that
we plan a trip every year...

224
00:12:53,983 --> 00:12:56,402
...and this is actually
ruining our Christmas.

225
00:12:56,568 --> 00:13:00,114
You must be pretty upset.
Are you visiting friends and family?

226
00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:02,700
[PHONE RINGING]

227
00:13:02,866 --> 00:13:04,201
This is Kate.

228
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:06,912
Oh, hi, Mom.

229
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:08,747
[PHONE BUZZING]

230
00:13:08,914 --> 00:13:10,708
Flights are canceled today.
But they're not--

231
00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:11,875
It's my dad.

232
00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:14,086
They're not sure whether or not
it'll be today.

233
00:13:14,253 --> 00:13:17,881
Honey, do you want me to answer it?
Do I answer it? Do I pick it up or not?

234
00:13:18,048 --> 00:13:21,051
- I know you have feelings. I do too.
- You're making me nervous.

235
00:13:21,218 --> 00:13:24,013
What are you saying?
I don't know what this means.

236
00:13:28,183 --> 00:13:30,394
He'll give you a big hug
when he sees you, Mom.

237
00:13:30,561 --> 00:13:32,896
- I'm not hugging anybody.
- He's excited about the hug.

238
00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:35,983
- We'll see you at noon.
- Noon?

239
00:13:36,150 --> 00:13:38,902
Are you crazy? Did you just
commit us to going there at noon?

240
00:13:39,069 --> 00:13:41,947
What did you want me to say?
They just saw us on the news.

241
00:13:42,114 --> 00:13:44,616
We're obviously not
inoculating babies in Burma.

242
00:13:44,783 --> 00:13:45,993
We are stuck here.

243
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:47,536
What did you say to your dad?

244
00:13:47,703 --> 00:13:50,539
Well, I told my dad that of course
we'd be going over there.

245
00:13:50,706 --> 00:13:53,542
- Don't compare your situation to mine.
- Are you kidding?

246
00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:55,627
There's a nuance you seem to be missing.

247
00:13:55,794 --> 00:13:57,880
My dad's a unique animal.
Your mother's not.

248
00:13:58,047 --> 00:14:01,425
My dad, your mom.
My mom, your dad. Great.

249
00:14:01,592 --> 00:14:03,927
Great. We have to go
to all four families in one day.

250
00:14:04,094 --> 00:14:06,263
Do you have any idea
what you committed us to?

251
00:14:06,597 --> 00:14:10,142
I know exactly what this means.

252
00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:23,322
Brad.

253
00:14:23,739 --> 00:14:26,408
BRAD: Hm.
- Baby...

254
00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:29,536
...I don't wanna fight.

255
00:14:30,287 --> 00:14:32,039
Honey, I don't wanna fight either.

256
00:14:32,206 --> 00:14:34,291
- I hate this.
- We never fight, honey. I'm sorry.

257
00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:35,459
I love you.

258
00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:39,546
This is what our families do,
you know that. This is what happens.

259
00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:41,882
My mother makes me crazy
every time I talk to her.

260
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:43,133
You're absolutely right.

261
00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:46,053
We just gotta get through
these four Christmases...

262
00:14:46,220 --> 00:14:49,306
-...as quickly and painlessly as possible.
- Exactly.

263
00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:54,144
Promise me that no matter what happens
today we'll still have each other, right?

264
00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:57,648
- Honey, of course we will.
- Okay.

265
00:15:06,532 --> 00:15:09,201
Hey, listen.
If one of these houses gets too intense...

266
00:15:09,368 --> 00:15:11,161
...we're gonna need an exit strategy.

267
00:15:11,328 --> 00:15:14,164
We need a word we both know
that means it's time to leave.

268
00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:17,167
- What should our safe word be?
- That's such a good idea.

269
00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:20,170
-"Mistletoe."
-"Mistletoe" is really good. Okay.

270
00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:24,007
By the way, my father's house here
can get particularly uncomfortable.

271
00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:26,343
So please, sweetheart,
do not feel embarrassed...

272
00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:29,513
...if you feel the need to pull
the ripcord and say "mistletoe"...

273
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,515
...if this house gets too uncomfortable.

274
00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:34,184
- Okay.
- Even if we're in there for 10 minutes.

275
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,186
I'll let you know where I'm at.

276
00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:38,355
I'm looking out for you.
I want you to be cool.

277
00:15:38,522 --> 00:15:41,233
I'm gonna go see your dad
and your brothers right now.

278
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,694
Unless you're too weird with it,
then we're not.

279
00:15:44,278 --> 00:15:46,572
- I'm going in.
- And going out would be...?

280
00:15:47,448 --> 00:15:50,367
- Mistletoe.
- Done. Let's get out of here.

281
00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:51,618
Brad.

282
00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:54,246
We're going in. Let's go.

283
00:15:57,708 --> 00:15:59,042
[DOORBELL BUZZES]

284
00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:06,341
Son of a bitch.
The TV stars actually came.

285
00:16:06,508 --> 00:16:08,552
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, Dad.

286
00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:09,928
Merry Christmas, Tiny.

287
00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:12,723
- Good to see you. Good to see you.
- Thanks for having us.

288
00:16:12,890 --> 00:16:14,016
- Come on in.
- Okay.

289
00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:17,186
- Let's celebrate.
- Okay.

290
00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:22,316
[BAND PLAYING "SANTA CLAUSE
IS COMIN' TO TOWN" ON TV]

291
00:16:22,566 --> 00:16:24,568
HOWARD:
That's a lot of presents you sent, boy.

292
00:16:24,735 --> 00:16:26,445
You trying to outdo us here?

293
00:16:26,612 --> 00:16:29,198
KATE: You know the biggest one's
for you, Howard.

294
00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:33,285
- Yeah? What is it?
- I won't tell you. You have to open it.

295
00:16:33,452 --> 00:16:34,495
BRAD:
Oh, God!

296
00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:37,581
What are you, crazy?

297
00:16:37,748 --> 00:16:40,250
DALLAS: Bro.
- Hey, buddy. Ow!

298
00:16:40,417 --> 00:16:42,586
[BRAD GRUNTING]

299
00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:44,922
DALLAS:
Whoo! Baby!

300
00:16:47,883 --> 00:16:50,761
Kate, these are my brothers,
Denver and Dallas.

301
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,222
Hi, nice to meet you.

302
00:16:53,388 --> 00:16:56,099
Nice to meet you.
You must be Orlando's girl.

303
00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:57,434
Orlando?

304
00:16:57,601 --> 00:17:00,521
We're named after the cities
in which we were conceived.

305
00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:02,397
I'm Denver, that's Dallas.

306
00:17:02,564 --> 00:17:03,774
And this is Orlando.

307
00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:07,319
Orlando.

308
00:17:07,486 --> 00:17:11,323
Well, my given name is Orlando,
but I changed it to Brad, so...

309
00:17:11,490 --> 00:17:13,033
I'm Brad.

310
00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:16,453
- What?
- Well, merry Christmas, one and all!

311
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:17,829
HOWARD:
Come on. Come on.

312
00:17:17,996 --> 00:17:19,831
Hors d'oeuvre, anyone?

313
00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:21,750
Who you trying to impress, Suze?

314
00:17:22,459 --> 00:17:26,255
- We also got beer-mosas in the back, so...
- Ladies first.

315
00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:28,382
KATE: Thank you so much.
SUSAN: Sure.

316
00:17:30,759 --> 00:17:35,180
- What is this? Is this cheese?
- Yeah. Spray.

317
00:17:35,889 --> 00:17:39,768
Spray cheese from the famous
family of aerosol cheeses.

318
00:17:39,935 --> 00:17:41,144
Ah!

319
00:17:41,436 --> 00:17:42,479
HOWARD:
Ooh.

320
00:17:42,646 --> 00:17:43,689
[LAUGHS]

321
00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:44,982
[GRUNTING]

322
00:17:45,399 --> 00:17:46,650
- Give me your hand.
BRAD: Please.

323
00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:49,403
[BRAD SCREAMING]

324
00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:51,113
Great. Here we go.

325
00:17:51,321 --> 00:17:53,615
You got something to say
about my wife's cheese?

326
00:17:53,782 --> 00:17:55,492
Come on, damn it! Come on!

327
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:59,496
- Pump it! Pump it! Harder!
- I haven't seen that move in a while.

328
00:17:59,663 --> 00:18:02,708
BRAD: Get your dick out of my face!
- Soldier boy! Soldier boy!

329
00:18:03,834 --> 00:18:06,003
You like spray cheese!
You like spray cheese!

330
00:18:06,169 --> 00:18:08,880
BRAD: You're gonna snap my hand!
- Bring it home, soldier boy.

331
00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:26,690
Oh, God, honey. I am so sorry
that you had to see that.

332
00:18:26,857 --> 00:18:28,108
Let me apologize for them.

333
00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:32,529
If you want to say "mistletoe"
because it's too heavy for you, I get it.

334
00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:34,281
Don't feel weird about that.

335
00:18:34,448 --> 00:18:37,534
If you need to leave, you let me know
what your comfort zone is.

336
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,119
Because that was weird.

337
00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:41,872
I cannot believe you did not tell me
your real name.

338
00:18:42,039 --> 00:18:43,624
What are you talking about?

339
00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:47,878
It's crazy. We've been together for 3 years,
and I don't know your real name.

340
00:18:48,045 --> 00:18:51,381
- Doesn't that strike you as odd?
- No, it doesn't strike me as odd.

341
00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:53,258
I hated my name, so I changed it.

342
00:18:53,425 --> 00:18:55,969
You don't say, "My name
used to be Asshole, but it's Bob."

343
00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:57,220
You say, "My name's Bob."

344
00:18:57,387 --> 00:19:00,932
Maybe to a stranger on the street, but to
somebody you're sharing your life with?

345
00:19:01,099 --> 00:19:04,061
- You tell them your real name.
- I don't wanna get into this now.

346
00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:07,022
This is what I was afraid
would happen if we came here.

347
00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:09,399
This isn't us, it's them.
We're letting them in.

348
00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:12,277
Your real name isn't "Asshole"?
It's not your middle name?

349
00:19:12,444 --> 00:19:15,489
- I don't wanna be blindsided again.
- Oh, that's very funny.

350
00:19:15,656 --> 00:19:17,199
Go ahead and take a shot at me.

351
00:19:17,366 --> 00:19:20,410
It's bad enough with those Neanderthals.
I gotta take it from you?

352
00:19:21,036 --> 00:19:22,454
No, you shouldn't.

353
00:19:22,621 --> 00:19:24,915
And you shouldn't let them
walk all over you either.

354
00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:29,544
Kate, they are trained UFC fighters.
They know pressure points on people.

355
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,213
But you're twice their size.

356
00:19:31,380 --> 00:19:33,382
They're semiprofessional cage fighters.

357
00:19:33,548 --> 00:19:36,093
One person comes out, one doesn't.
You know what I mean?

358
00:19:36,259 --> 00:19:39,888
- Like cockfighting, but, like, with dudes.
- You said they were personal trainers.

359
00:19:40,055 --> 00:19:42,766
- They're dude cockfighters.
- Like that thing on pay-per-view?

360
00:19:42,933 --> 00:19:46,353
Yes, exactly.
Except they don't actually get paid for it.

361
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:50,107
They mostly brawl in people's back yards,
then upload the footage to YouTube.

362
00:19:50,399 --> 00:19:54,277
Honey, my childhood was just like
<i>The Shawshank Redemption.</i>

363
00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:57,656
Except I didn't have some kind, older,
soft-spoken gentle black man...

364
00:19:57,823 --> 00:19:59,574
...to share my struggle with.

365
00:19:59,741 --> 00:20:02,077
But you're not that child anymore, okay?

366
00:20:02,244 --> 00:20:06,123
You're a grown, strong,
confident, successful man.

367
00:20:06,289 --> 00:20:09,084
Okay, I really don't wanna get into this.

368
00:20:09,251 --> 00:20:12,003
Let me just let you know the truth.
They're intimidated by you.

369
00:20:12,462 --> 00:20:15,924
What you need to do is go out there
and set some healthy boundaries...

370
00:20:16,091 --> 00:20:18,802
...and demand that they respect you.
You know what I'm saying?

371
00:20:18,969 --> 00:20:22,389
DENVER: Big City, time to open presents.
HOWARD: Come on, son. We gotta go!

372
00:20:22,556 --> 00:20:25,767
This is your opportunity.
You can do this, baby.

373
00:20:26,143 --> 00:20:27,811
BRAD:
Mm-hm.

374
00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:35,152
Okay, gentlemen.

375
00:20:35,318 --> 00:20:37,696
Can we just take it down a notch, please?

376
00:20:37,863 --> 00:20:40,198
I'm not a kid. You can't
talk to me like that anymore.

377
00:20:40,365 --> 00:20:41,992
We're adults. Do you understand?

378
00:20:42,159 --> 00:20:44,911
I'm a grown man
with hair on my chest. Right?

379
00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:48,290
There's going to be certain boundaries
that will exist between us now.

380
00:20:48,457 --> 00:20:51,835
They might be invisible, so I know
that you won't be able to see them...

381
00:20:52,002 --> 00:20:55,338
...but you'll certainly be able to respect
the fact that they're there.

382
00:20:55,797 --> 00:20:58,508
These boundaries are not to be crossed.

383
00:20:58,675 --> 00:21:00,719
And if they are crossed...

384
00:21:00,886 --> 00:21:03,430
...there's gonna be
real consequences to that.

385
00:21:06,683 --> 00:21:07,684
Thank you.

386
00:21:10,270 --> 00:21:13,857
BRAD: Ow! Oh, God.
- Welcome to the Octagon, son!

387
00:21:14,816 --> 00:21:17,903
Don't! Stop it! Where you taking--? Ow!

388
00:21:20,322 --> 00:21:22,699
- What's happening?
DALLAS: Suplex!

389
00:21:23,742 --> 00:21:25,619
Oh, my God.

390
00:21:25,786 --> 00:21:26,870
BRAD:
Ah!

391
00:21:28,997 --> 00:21:31,166
- Oh, God!
- Dad, tag us in.

392
00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:34,169
- You boys get hurt, I lose custody again.
- Tag them in!

393
00:21:34,336 --> 00:21:35,879
CODY: Come on, Daddy.
CONNOR: Tag us in.

394
00:21:36,046 --> 00:21:37,672
DALLAS: Merry Christmas.
- Yes.

395
00:21:37,839 --> 00:21:38,882
Bring it!

396
00:21:41,343 --> 00:21:42,886
DENVER:
Yeah! Get it!

397
00:21:43,178 --> 00:21:45,055
Yeah! Yeah!

398
00:21:45,388 --> 00:21:46,473
Ah!

399
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,725
- Google me, bitch!
- What?

400
00:21:48,892 --> 00:21:51,728
Google me! You might wanna
look me up sometime, Barbara!

401
00:21:52,354 --> 00:21:54,606
- No!
- Enough roughhousing!

402
00:21:54,773 --> 00:21:56,149
Stop!

403
00:21:56,316 --> 00:22:00,403
Let's open the presents so Orlando
can get to his other Christmases, all right?

404
00:22:00,695 --> 00:22:02,072
Let's do it.

405
00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:05,742
That was excellent.

406
00:22:10,288 --> 00:22:11,414
Baby?

407
00:22:12,082 --> 00:22:13,083
It's me, it's me.

408
00:22:13,583 --> 00:22:16,545
Are you okay? Did you break anything?

409
00:22:19,381 --> 00:22:21,132
I am so proud of you.

410
00:22:22,175 --> 00:22:24,427
Lando, you're closest to the tree.
You distribute.

411
00:22:31,518 --> 00:22:35,564
Gosh, wasn't it just so hard to find gifts
under the $10 cap this year?

412
00:22:35,730 --> 00:22:37,399
The first gift is to Connor.

413
00:22:37,566 --> 00:22:39,693
- The $10 what?
-$10 spending cap.

414
00:22:39,860 --> 00:22:41,778
From Uncle Brad
and his special friend Kate.

415
00:22:41,945 --> 00:22:45,323
Maybe this will make you think
about being mean to your nice uncle...

416
00:22:45,490 --> 00:22:48,159
...after you see what he got you.
Go ahead, open it up.

417
00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:50,620
KATE: Brad.
- Yeah.

418
00:22:50,871 --> 00:22:54,124
- What?
- Xbox? This is awesome, man!

419
00:22:54,291 --> 00:22:55,667
Top-shelf for you, pal.

420
00:22:55,834 --> 00:22:58,795
It's got the triple-core processor,
wireless controllers, the whole deal.

421
00:22:58,962 --> 00:23:00,589
There was a $10 spending cap.

422
00:23:00,755 --> 00:23:03,466
How in the hell did you find
an Xbox for under $10?

423
00:23:04,092 --> 00:23:06,469
Somebody's trying to show off
how much money he makes.

424
00:23:06,636 --> 00:23:08,013
- Yeah.
- Maybe someone's family...

425
00:23:08,179 --> 00:23:10,432
...didn't tell him there was
a $10 spending cap.

426
00:23:10,599 --> 00:23:13,435
Maybe if you came home
more than once a decade, you'd know that.

427
00:23:13,602 --> 00:23:15,687
Okay, guys, can we try
to stay positive here?

428
00:23:15,854 --> 00:23:18,773
What's the problem? We're trying
to give gifts to some children.

429
00:23:18,940 --> 00:23:21,443
It's Christmas.
Let's keep the momentum going here.

430
00:23:21,610 --> 00:23:24,696
Okay, the next gift is to Cody.

431
00:23:24,863 --> 00:23:29,784
And this is from your dad. Okay?
I'm sure this is a good gift too, okay?

432
00:23:31,578 --> 00:23:33,747
Dig in there. Tear it up.

433
00:23:35,624 --> 00:23:39,628
A flashlight? That's it?

434
00:23:39,794 --> 00:23:42,464
- Why don't you love me, Daddy?
BRAD: Okay, okay.

435
00:23:43,590 --> 00:23:46,927
Honestly, I think it's my fault. I didn't
know there was a $10 spending cap.

436
00:23:47,093 --> 00:23:50,055
Well, my gift from Santa Claus
better be straight cool.

437
00:23:50,221 --> 00:23:52,349
BRAD: I have a feeling that
your gift from Santa...

438
00:23:52,515 --> 00:23:54,726
...will probably ring in
right around $10 too.

439
00:23:54,893 --> 00:23:58,897
- Why? Is Santa Claus cheap like my daddy?
BRAD: No, Santa is Dad.

440
00:23:59,814 --> 00:24:02,233
- Dad just goes ahead and writes "Santa"--
- Lando.

441
00:24:03,526 --> 00:24:04,653
BRAD:
I don't understand.

442
00:24:05,028 --> 00:24:07,030
What's happening? What's happening?

443
00:24:07,405 --> 00:24:11,159
- What's the problem? What's the problem?
- There's no Santa Claus?

444
00:24:11,326 --> 00:24:14,663
Okay. You're joking with me, right?
You're kidding with me.

445
00:24:15,246 --> 00:24:17,207
They know there's not a Santa Claus,
right?

446
00:24:18,625 --> 00:24:21,670
- They do now.
- How can you lie to us, Daddy?

447
00:24:21,836 --> 00:24:24,506
BRAD: There is a Santa Claus.
- Cody, come on, man.

448
00:24:24,673 --> 00:24:26,633
CODY:
Even Santa Claus don't love me!

449
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:30,095
Hey! That's not gonna bring back Santa.
That's not gonna bring...

450
00:24:30,261 --> 00:24:34,015
When he hurts inside and can't use
his emotion words, he takes to streaking.

451
00:24:34,307 --> 00:24:35,850
CODY:
Ah!

452
00:24:36,309 --> 00:24:38,687
Don't worry. He always comes back.

453
00:24:38,853 --> 00:24:41,064
CODY:
Nobody loves me!

454
00:24:42,691 --> 00:24:46,069
Okay, look. I'm really, really, really sorry.
I just assumed--

455
00:24:46,236 --> 00:24:47,570
All right. All right.

456
00:24:47,737 --> 00:24:51,074
Let's keep it moving. I'm starting
to lose my buzz over here.

457
00:24:52,033 --> 00:24:53,076
All right?

458
00:24:54,285 --> 00:24:56,705
- What's this one here?
- You're gonna love this puppy.

459
00:24:56,871 --> 00:24:59,416
HOWARD: Yeah?
KATE: That's a satellite dish, Howard.

460
00:24:59,582 --> 00:25:00,875
Why would I want a satellite?

461
00:25:01,042 --> 00:25:03,586
Dad, it's not a satellite.
It's a satellite dish.

462
00:25:03,753 --> 00:25:06,673
It's terrific because you got more channels,
more viewing options.

463
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:08,967
You don't think I get enough channels?

464
00:25:09,551 --> 00:25:11,928
Well, your TV right now is a radio, so...

465
00:25:12,137 --> 00:25:16,266
Wait. How much is this gift
gonna cost me a month?

466
00:25:17,559 --> 00:25:20,562
It won't cost-- We're paying
for the services, so nothing, actually.

467
00:25:20,770 --> 00:25:24,065
Wait, wait, wait. Just because
I drive a combine for a living...

468
00:25:24,232 --> 00:25:27,485
...doesn't mean I need me
a fancy-pants lawyer son paying my bills.

469
00:25:27,652 --> 00:25:31,156
You win. If you wanna pay for the stuff,
pay for it. Whatever you want.

470
00:25:31,322 --> 00:25:33,992
The installation guy comes on Tuesday.
He'll install it.

471
00:25:34,159 --> 00:25:36,661
Cancel it. We install things ourselves
in this house.

472
00:25:36,828 --> 00:25:40,915
Dad? I think you'll want a professional
to handle this technology--

473
00:25:41,082 --> 00:25:44,335
If you think I'm going to allow
a sex predator in a uniform...

474
00:25:44,502 --> 00:25:47,630
...to wander around my house
and touch my underwear...

475
00:25:47,797 --> 00:25:51,342
...you got another thing coming.
No. No, no, no.

476
00:25:52,052 --> 00:25:55,555
I'll see you topside in 5.
All three of you on the roof.

477
00:25:55,722 --> 00:25:57,057
SUSAN: Let's go.
- Okay.

478
00:25:58,933 --> 00:26:01,686
Here, bring her to her mother.
I gotta take a grumpy.

479
00:26:02,437 --> 00:26:04,064
Why don't you just--?

480
00:26:04,731 --> 00:26:06,608
Do you wanna go over to your mom?

481
00:26:07,025 --> 00:26:09,569
Yeah. Okay, come here.

482
00:26:09,736 --> 00:26:11,821
Be careful. There you go.

483
00:26:12,489 --> 00:26:15,241
SUSAN: Ain't it nice having everybody
home for the holidays?

484
00:26:15,408 --> 00:26:17,118
Yes. It is.

485
00:26:18,661 --> 00:26:21,915
SUSAN: We're gonna make bologna
sandwiches, I think.

486
00:26:25,794 --> 00:26:29,547
Okay. Here we go. Okay.

487
00:26:29,964 --> 00:26:32,801
- Take it before it explodes.
- Thank you.

488
00:26:34,469 --> 00:26:36,638
I gotta go do some man's work.

489
00:26:47,482 --> 00:26:49,067
You gotta use a locknut on that.

490
00:26:49,234 --> 00:26:51,820
I know what I'm doing.
I don't need any locknut.

491
00:26:51,986 --> 00:26:56,825
I'm sorry. I didn't know you majored
in satellite-dish installation at Stanford.

492
00:26:56,991 --> 00:26:58,034
[HOWARD LAUGHS]

493
00:26:58,201 --> 00:26:59,452
BRAD:
Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.

494
00:26:59,619 --> 00:27:02,914
That's great, dude. Mock me
for being educated. That's awesome.

495
00:27:03,081 --> 00:27:05,166
- Hey, Grandpa!
- Hey.

496
00:27:05,333 --> 00:27:07,210
CONNOR:
Come play war with me.

497
00:27:07,919 --> 00:27:10,380
Maybe later. Grandpa's busy.

498
00:27:11,172 --> 00:27:14,425
Grandma's boyfriend plays with me
whenever I want.

499
00:27:14,592 --> 00:27:17,846
Your grandmother's boyfriend
is a first-class ass-sniffer...

500
00:27:18,012 --> 00:27:21,224
-...and you can tell him I said so!
- Connor, go get us some beers.

501
00:27:23,309 --> 00:27:26,229
Boy, Dad, sounds like you and Mom
really turned a corner there.

502
00:27:27,647 --> 00:27:31,234
Look, I don't wanna speak ill
of your mother on Christmas...

503
00:27:32,193 --> 00:27:34,237
...but she's nothing
but a common street whore.

504
00:27:34,404 --> 00:27:36,239
That's great, Dad. Nice restraint.

505
00:27:36,406 --> 00:27:37,866
What do you call a woman...

506
00:27:38,032 --> 00:27:42,370
...who throws away her career, abandons
her kids and runs off with another man?

507
00:27:42,537 --> 00:27:45,039
- What are you talking about?
- What do you call her?

508
00:27:45,206 --> 00:27:48,751
She was a cashier. That's not a career.
That falls under the category of a job.

509
00:27:48,918 --> 00:27:52,046
She left you because you wouldn't
talk to her or spend time with her.

510
00:27:52,213 --> 00:27:53,590
You shut her out of your life.

511
00:27:53,756 --> 00:27:57,719
I fed her, I put a roof over her head,
and I never lied to her face.

512
00:27:57,886 --> 00:27:59,846
I spoiled her, is what I did.

513
00:28:00,013 --> 00:28:03,224
Let that be a lesson to you kids
about being honest with your wives.

514
00:28:03,391 --> 00:28:07,729
You can't spell "families" without "lies,"
am I right?

515
00:28:07,896 --> 00:28:09,898
DENVER: That's right.
DALLAS: Amen, Dad.

516
00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:15,737
What is she, like, two or three months?

517
00:28:16,279 --> 00:28:18,615
- Nine.
- Wow.

518
00:28:18,823 --> 00:28:20,325
- Nine months?
- Mm-hm.

519
00:28:20,491 --> 00:28:23,411
And she's not walking
or taking care of herself by now?

520
00:28:23,578 --> 00:28:24,746
Are you kidding me?

521
00:28:24,913 --> 00:28:28,124
Most days I'm lucky to get my boob
out of her mouth so I can shower.

522
00:28:29,626 --> 00:28:31,920
- Does that hurt?
- What, breast-feeding?

523
00:28:32,086 --> 00:28:33,421
No.

524
00:28:33,588 --> 00:28:36,758
Maybe at first, but the nipples get tough.

525
00:28:37,467 --> 00:28:39,761
I can't even hardly feel mine anymore.

526
00:28:40,595 --> 00:28:41,804
Do you wanna flick one?

527
00:28:42,430 --> 00:28:43,514
- No.
- Please.

528
00:28:43,681 --> 00:28:45,183
- No.
- Go ahead, it's all right.

529
00:28:45,350 --> 00:28:48,019
That's okay. I have a set of my own,
so I'll just pass.

530
00:28:48,186 --> 00:28:49,229
- Sure.
- But thanks.

531
00:28:49,395 --> 00:28:50,438
Of course.

532
00:28:50,605 --> 00:28:52,774
Okay, we're all set!

533
00:28:52,941 --> 00:28:56,778
Hey! The picture's all fuzzy!

534
00:28:56,945 --> 00:29:00,281
You get me some sort of cheapo satellite?

535
00:29:00,448 --> 00:29:03,785
No, it's not a cheapo satellite.
I just gotta adjust it.

536
00:29:03,952 --> 00:29:06,371
- How about now?
- It's even worse.

537
00:29:06,537 --> 00:29:09,415
I can make it work, hold on!
How about now?

538
00:29:09,624 --> 00:29:10,625
Get your hands off me.

539
00:29:10,792 --> 00:29:13,378
- Hold her. I need to bake another layer.
- No, no, no. Actually--

540
00:29:13,544 --> 00:29:14,545
[BABY CRYING]

541
00:29:14,712 --> 00:29:15,713
Okay.

542
00:29:16,130 --> 00:29:19,300
- Okay.
- Go on. You can't break her.

543
00:29:19,467 --> 00:29:20,551
Okay.

544
00:29:20,718 --> 00:29:22,345
Okay, you know what?

545
00:29:22,512 --> 00:29:24,389
It's satellite. Point it at the satellite.

546
00:29:24,555 --> 00:29:27,892
- How about now? Is it better now?
- No, it's worse. It's still crappy!

547
00:29:28,059 --> 00:29:29,060
[BABY CRYING]

548
00:29:29,227 --> 00:29:30,853
I don't think she likes me.

549
00:29:31,437 --> 00:29:34,899
She likes you fine. Just give her a chance
to warm up to you.

550
00:29:35,858 --> 00:29:38,152
- How about now?
- Worse! It's worse!

551
00:29:38,319 --> 00:29:39,821
BRAD:
Son of a bitch.

552
00:29:40,571 --> 00:29:43,866
Take the damn thing down!
I can do better with my rabbit ears.

553
00:29:44,033 --> 00:29:45,660
I love my rabbit ears!

554
00:29:47,370 --> 00:29:48,788
[BABY CRYING]

555
00:29:49,163 --> 00:29:50,832
Can you tell me hot or cold?

556
00:29:50,999 --> 00:29:52,375
HOWARD: What?
- Hot or cold?

557
00:29:52,542 --> 00:29:56,170
Hot or cold what? What the hell
does that mean, "hot or cold"?

558
00:29:56,337 --> 00:29:57,338
[BABY CRYING]

559
00:29:57,505 --> 00:29:59,173
How long until she warms up to me?

560
00:29:59,841 --> 00:30:01,342
Not long at all.

561
00:30:03,594 --> 00:30:04,804
- Horrible!
- Pull it up!

562
00:30:04,971 --> 00:30:06,180
Shut up and let me work!

563
00:30:06,347 --> 00:30:09,684
I don't even want a fancy satellite!
I don't want any kind of satellite!

564
00:30:09,851 --> 00:30:13,062
It's not a satellite, genius!
It's a satellite dish!

565
00:30:14,105 --> 00:30:15,356
Okay.

566
00:30:15,523 --> 00:30:17,692
DENVER: Point it up in the sky!
- Get off my roof!

567
00:30:18,860 --> 00:30:20,236
Pull the damn thing!

568
00:30:22,530 --> 00:30:24,198
BRAD:
Ah!

569
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,043
That's too much.

570
00:30:35,209 --> 00:30:37,587
Whatever you're doing, stop it right now!

571
00:30:37,754 --> 00:30:40,006
BRAD: I'm fine.
HOWARD: Leave my TV alone!

572
00:30:40,214 --> 00:30:42,342
BRAD: I'm okay.
HOWARD: Stop it, you moron!

573
00:30:42,508 --> 00:30:43,718
She stopped crying.

574
00:30:43,885 --> 00:30:45,553
HOWARD: Be careful of my TV!
- I did it.

575
00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:48,890
You idiot! Stop it! Cut it out!

576
00:30:49,057 --> 00:30:51,100
- This is all right.
HOWARD: Leave my TV alone!

577
00:30:53,061 --> 00:30:54,187
I'm fine.

578
00:30:55,563 --> 00:30:58,608
- Who's awesome?
- We're okay. Coming up.

579
00:31:02,028 --> 00:31:03,571
Ah!

580
00:31:17,543 --> 00:31:19,670
[BABY SCREAMING]

581
00:31:20,296 --> 00:31:21,923
Give me back my baby.

582
00:31:22,924 --> 00:31:26,094
HOWARD: You moron!
- Mistletoe.

583
00:31:29,931 --> 00:31:31,182
Mistletoe.

584
00:31:37,438 --> 00:31:40,983
I can't believe I nailed that baby's head.
I feel kind of bad about that.

585
00:31:41,150 --> 00:31:44,529
It's my brother's kid. You couldn't
have lowered its IQ. It's fine.

586
00:31:44,695 --> 00:31:46,656
But I did get it to stop crying
for a second.

587
00:31:47,323 --> 00:31:49,117
I think it kind of liked me.

588
00:31:49,951 --> 00:31:53,162
Do you know what happens
to your nipples after you breast-feed?

589
00:31:53,329 --> 00:31:54,330
BRAD:
Uh-uh.

590
00:31:54,497 --> 00:31:57,166
- I don't think I wanna know.
- No, I don't think you do.

591
00:31:57,333 --> 00:32:01,504
- It's violent. Graphic. Like tire rubber.
- Okay.

592
00:32:07,260 --> 00:32:10,638
KATE: Just so you know, it's a bit
of a cougar den here at my mom's.

593
00:32:12,765 --> 00:32:13,975
This is different.

594
00:32:17,270 --> 00:32:19,188
Maybe she has a new boyfriend.

595
00:32:19,355 --> 00:32:20,815
[DOORBELL RINGS]

596
00:32:25,486 --> 00:32:28,322
- Merry Christmas, Mom.
- Merry Christmas, Kate.

597
00:32:28,489 --> 00:32:30,616
- Come on in.
- Merry Christmas.

598
00:32:33,744 --> 00:32:36,664
- Well, give me a hug, Kate.
- Oh, okay.

599
00:32:37,874 --> 00:32:40,501
- Good to see you.
- And you must be Brad.

600
00:32:40,668 --> 00:32:42,879
- Ms. Kincade.
- Oh, call me Marilyn.

601
00:32:43,045 --> 00:32:46,716
And get over here and give me a hug,
you big, fat, purple teddy bear!

602
00:32:46,883 --> 00:32:48,217
Bring it.

603
00:32:48,384 --> 00:32:50,011
- Yes. Yes.
- Merry Christmas.

604
00:32:50,178 --> 00:32:51,846
[MARILYN MOANS]

605
00:32:52,013 --> 00:32:53,222
Shit, that feels good.

606
00:32:54,765 --> 00:32:57,768
You're so tall and firm, like a giant oak.

607
00:32:58,144 --> 00:33:00,897
DONNA: Oh, so he is tall.
- And handsome.

608
00:33:01,814 --> 00:33:04,025
Brad, this is my Aunt Sara.

609
00:33:04,275 --> 00:33:05,985
- And this is my Aunt Donna.
- Hi.

610
00:33:06,152 --> 00:33:08,321
GRAM-GRAM: Genuine leather?
- Nice to meet you ladies.

611
00:33:08,488 --> 00:33:11,657
That cute little canary down there
hanging on your belt is Gram-Gram.

612
00:33:11,824 --> 00:33:14,702
I'm sorry, Gram-Gram, but that's my belt.
That's attached to me.

613
00:33:14,869 --> 00:33:16,954
Merry Christmas to you.
That's a great sweater.

614
00:33:17,830 --> 00:33:19,165
I get it.

615
00:33:19,457 --> 00:33:20,708
[GRAM-GRAM CHUCKLES]

616
00:33:20,875 --> 00:33:24,420
This is the den.
Oh, well, everyone's in here.

617
00:33:25,505 --> 00:33:27,632
I can't believe you came.

618
00:33:27,798 --> 00:33:29,592
- Hey, Courtney.
- Hi, sweetie.

619
00:33:29,759 --> 00:33:33,679
I can't get up. Jackson is very gassy.
I gotta keep bouncing him so he'll poop.

620
00:33:33,846 --> 00:33:36,599
- Oh, okay. Well, this is Brad.
- Hi.

621
00:33:37,350 --> 00:33:40,061
Hi. I'm Courtney.

622
00:33:40,770 --> 00:33:43,356
- Brad. Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

623
00:33:44,065 --> 00:33:45,274
And that's Granddad.

624
00:33:45,983 --> 00:33:48,027
And this is Courtney's husband, Jim.

625
00:33:48,528 --> 00:33:50,029
COURTNEY: Take Jackson.
- All right.

626
00:33:50,196 --> 00:33:52,031
Oh, isn't he so good with kids?

627
00:33:52,698 --> 00:33:54,784
Yeah. Can you believe
we're gonna try again?

628
00:33:54,951 --> 00:33:56,244
- Well--
COURTNEY: Oh, I forgot.

629
00:33:56,410 --> 00:33:58,746
You're too cool for kids.
It cramps your independence.

630
00:33:58,913 --> 00:34:01,123
No, I never said I was too cool for kids.

631
00:34:01,290 --> 00:34:03,709
Honey, I know you didn't say it.
But you don't have any.

632
00:34:03,876 --> 00:34:07,713
And you have really strong,
concrete ideas about not having any.

633
00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:09,840
KATE:
Well, that's actually not--

634
00:34:10,007 --> 00:34:12,301
You know what?
I'd rather just not get into it.

635
00:34:12,468 --> 00:34:13,469
Where's Kasi?

636
00:34:13,636 --> 00:34:17,098
She's outside in the Jump-Jump
with the neighborhood kids.

637
00:34:17,265 --> 00:34:20,393
- There's a Jump-Jump?
- Mm-hm.

638
00:34:21,143 --> 00:34:22,728
Kate always hated the Jump-Jump.

639
00:34:22,895 --> 00:34:26,399
In the fifth grade, bunch of kids trapped
Kate inside the Jump-Jump.

640
00:34:26,566 --> 00:34:28,985
- She never got over it.
- I got over it.

641
00:34:29,151 --> 00:34:33,239
- They tortured her for about an hour.
- Why would they trap you in there that long?

642
00:34:34,198 --> 00:34:35,992
Because she was...

643
00:34:36,367 --> 00:34:37,410
...Cootie Kate.

644
00:34:37,577 --> 00:34:39,245
- Courtney.
COURTNEY: Sorry.

645
00:34:39,412 --> 00:34:42,373
- Who's Cootie Kate?
MARILYN: Didn't tell you about Cootie Kate?

646
00:34:42,540 --> 00:34:43,916
Mom, this isn't necessary.

647
00:34:44,083 --> 00:34:47,253
All the kids pretended that Kate
had cooties, and no one talked to her.

648
00:34:47,837 --> 00:34:49,922
If Kate even touched you...

649
00:34:50,089 --> 00:34:53,759
...you'd have to wipe it off and spray
with disinfectant to get out the cooties.

650
00:34:53,926 --> 00:34:55,344
That sounds really hurtful.

651
00:34:55,511 --> 00:34:58,681
- How long did that go on for?
- I don't remember, but it wasn't long.

652
00:34:58,848 --> 00:34:59,849
Seven years.

653
00:35:00,016 --> 00:35:03,352
And that was a long time ago.
I'm sure you don't have cooties now.

654
00:35:03,519 --> 00:35:05,688
I'll test it out. Ah! Cooties!

655
00:35:07,523 --> 00:35:09,650
[COURTNEY & MARILYN LAUGHING]

656
00:35:10,443 --> 00:35:13,029
Pastor Phil has encouraged us...

657
00:35:13,195 --> 00:35:16,949
...to dispense with the commercial
trappings of the holiday...

658
00:35:17,116 --> 00:35:20,369
- Who's Pastor Phil?
- Mom's new beau. It's a whole new thing.

659
00:35:21,454 --> 00:35:22,580
So...

660
00:35:22,747 --> 00:35:26,959
...what I had in mind was that
we would go around the room...

661
00:35:27,126 --> 00:35:32,131
...and each of us would speak
to the spiritual gifts that we might give.

662
00:35:32,298 --> 00:35:34,884
A verbal gift-giving of sorts.

663
00:35:35,051 --> 00:35:38,346
- Wait. There's really no presents?
COURTNEY: Kasi.

664
00:35:38,929 --> 00:35:43,142
MARILYN:
None that you can see. Okay, I'll go first.

665
00:35:43,476 --> 00:35:48,814
I would like to give more of myself
to my church and to Pastor Phil.

666
00:35:53,319 --> 00:35:55,821
Gram-Gram, would you like to go next?

667
00:35:55,988 --> 00:35:58,240
I could increase the frequency...

668
00:35:58,407 --> 00:36:03,579
...with which I pleasure Milt
with my hand and with my mouth.

669
00:36:05,665 --> 00:36:07,083
Did she just say that?

670
00:36:09,752 --> 00:36:11,420
Brad, why don't you go next?

671
00:36:12,922 --> 00:36:14,590
And follow Gram-Gram?

672
00:36:15,383 --> 00:36:19,595
With the hand stuff and what she does
with her stuff? Yeah. Okay.

673
00:36:19,845 --> 00:36:20,930
I'd like to...

674
00:36:22,807 --> 00:36:24,392
With Kate...

675
00:36:25,142 --> 00:36:27,103
Would be to...

676
00:36:27,853 --> 00:36:31,357
Vacationing more frequently
and doing it with Kate.

677
00:36:31,524 --> 00:36:34,777
- A vacation.
- That is lovely, Brad.

678
00:36:34,944 --> 00:36:36,570
He's so well-spoken.

679
00:36:37,029 --> 00:36:38,447
Thank you. Thank you.

680
00:36:38,614 --> 00:36:42,493
- Courtney, what would you give?
- Well, I would like to give myself a gift.

681
00:36:42,660 --> 00:36:44,745
And that is the gift of being pregnant.

682
00:36:46,122 --> 00:36:49,792
Now, I know that comes with
its own challenges for nine months...

683
00:36:49,959 --> 00:36:53,546
...like getting fat and having people
stare at you funny when you sneak a cig.

684
00:36:53,713 --> 00:36:56,298
But I'd also like
to give myself another gift...

685
00:36:56,465 --> 00:36:59,301
...and that is a scheduled C-section
that goes routinely.

686
00:37:01,345 --> 00:37:04,140
Don't most women
wanna have a natural birth?

687
00:37:04,682 --> 00:37:06,851
Yeah, most women
who haven't done it before.

688
00:37:07,017 --> 00:37:09,770
[WOMEN LAUGHING]

689
00:37:10,312 --> 00:37:12,523
COURTNEY:
You just come here. No.

690
00:37:12,690 --> 00:37:14,900
Kate, will you please hold him
while I fix myself?

691
00:37:15,067 --> 00:37:17,570
- What do you want me to do here?
- You gotta hold him.

692
00:37:17,737 --> 00:37:20,823
You got him? Hang on,
I just wanna just fix myself here.

693
00:37:20,990 --> 00:37:22,158
There we go.

694
00:37:22,324 --> 00:37:24,201
KATE: What should I do?
- See if he made a stinky.

695
00:37:24,368 --> 00:37:27,830
- How do I do that?
- Lift up his diaper and see if he made one.

696
00:37:31,333 --> 00:37:33,002
Oh, yeah, there's something in here.

697
00:37:33,586 --> 00:37:35,087
Oh, it's a really disgusting--

698
00:37:36,005 --> 00:37:37,840
COURTNEY:
Jackson. Oh, did you proj--?

699
00:37:38,007 --> 00:37:39,341
[COUGHING]

700
00:37:39,508 --> 00:37:41,469
You did projectile on Auntie?

701
00:37:41,635 --> 00:37:43,262
Did Jackson projectile?

702
00:37:43,429 --> 00:37:44,555
I'm gonna vomit.

703
00:37:44,722 --> 00:37:46,182
I can't be around this.

704
00:37:46,348 --> 00:37:47,933
Get him some water, he's sick.

705
00:37:48,100 --> 00:37:50,227
BRAD: I'm gonna vomit. Look out.
DONNA: Oh, God.

706
00:37:51,395 --> 00:37:52,938
I'll get sick, I can't be near her.

707
00:37:53,397 --> 00:37:54,774
What do I do?

708
00:37:54,940 --> 00:37:58,569
Get away from me. I'm sorry, I love you.
Get out of here. I can't breathe.

709
00:37:59,195 --> 00:38:00,613
I'm gonna do it too!

710
00:38:01,781 --> 00:38:03,449
COURTNEY: Kate?
- What?

711
00:38:08,579 --> 00:38:11,832
Are you joking me? These are the only
clothes we have in the entire house?

712
00:38:11,999 --> 00:38:13,209
How's that even possible?

713
00:38:13,626 --> 00:38:17,588
It's not like you ever come around.
You haven't been here in, like, forever.

714
00:38:17,755 --> 00:38:19,799
I can't believe you told him
about Cootie Kate.

715
00:38:19,965 --> 00:38:22,176
How was I supposed to know
you hadn't told him?

716
00:38:22,343 --> 00:38:24,470
Like you'd tell Jim
you were Cootie Courtney.

717
00:38:24,637 --> 00:38:26,931
We know everything there is
to know about each other.

718
00:38:27,097 --> 00:38:29,308
He knows I slept
with the water polo team...

719
00:38:29,475 --> 00:38:31,644
...just like I know
he experimented with men.

720
00:38:32,144 --> 00:38:33,562
I didn't need to know that.

721
00:38:33,729 --> 00:38:36,565
My point is, after three years,
I would think that you and Brad...

722
00:38:36,732 --> 00:38:39,443
...would know a bit more about each other
than you already do.

723
00:38:40,069 --> 00:38:42,822
How can you really appreciate someone
for who they are...

724
00:38:42,988 --> 00:38:44,448
...until you really know them?

725
00:38:51,247 --> 00:38:52,623
Thank you.

726
00:38:52,915 --> 00:38:55,501
Kind of feel like a Saudi prince in here.

727
00:38:55,835 --> 00:38:58,629
We're just so glad
that Kate has a boyfriend.

728
00:38:58,796 --> 00:39:02,341
You're the longest relationship
she's ever had with a man.

729
00:39:05,344 --> 00:39:06,679
With a man?

730
00:39:10,182 --> 00:39:12,017
That is ridicu--

731
00:39:34,290 --> 00:39:35,332
What is this?

732
00:39:35,791 --> 00:39:37,459
[PUMP BUZZING]

733
00:39:37,626 --> 00:39:39,128
[BEEPING]

734
00:39:40,462 --> 00:39:43,048
[BUZZING]

735
00:39:53,601 --> 00:39:54,977
Oh, my God.

736
00:40:16,916 --> 00:40:18,000
Who's that?

737
00:40:18,167 --> 00:40:21,170
COURTNEY:
That's Josephine. Everyone called her Jo.

738
00:40:21,337 --> 00:40:23,005
She was Kate's only friend.

739
00:40:23,672 --> 00:40:26,592
Last I heard,
Jo coaches women's wrestling.

740
00:40:32,348 --> 00:40:34,516
Check out how fat Kate was as a baby.

741
00:40:34,683 --> 00:40:37,102
- That's Kate?
COURTNEY: Yeah, I forgot about that one!

742
00:40:37,269 --> 00:40:38,687
BRAD:
She looks like Shaq.

743
00:40:38,854 --> 00:40:40,356
[WOMEN LAUGHING]

744
00:40:53,786 --> 00:40:54,870
Hi, Auntie Kate.

745
00:40:56,288 --> 00:40:58,582
- Hi, Kasi.
- What you doing?

746
00:40:59,541 --> 00:41:02,169
Not much.
Do you need to use the bathroom?

747
00:41:02,878 --> 00:41:04,213
What's this?

748
00:41:06,799 --> 00:41:09,969
That is my special magic marker.

749
00:41:10,177 --> 00:41:12,638
- Uh-oh.
- What?

750
00:41:12,805 --> 00:41:15,641
We're not allowed to have magic markers.
I have to tell my mom.

751
00:41:16,392 --> 00:41:19,019
Oh, no, no, no.
You don't need to tell your mom.

752
00:41:19,186 --> 00:41:21,313
Actually, can I have it back? Because...

753
00:41:22,982 --> 00:41:25,567
- Kasi.
- You want this?

754
00:41:26,068 --> 00:41:28,654
This is not a joke. This is not a game.

755
00:41:28,821 --> 00:41:31,490
Auntie Kate needs her marker back, okay?

756
00:41:32,950 --> 00:41:34,201
[KASI LAUGHING]

757
00:41:34,368 --> 00:41:35,536
Kasi, this is not funny!

758
00:41:44,420 --> 00:41:46,422
[KIDS YELLING]

759
00:41:50,592 --> 00:41:53,429
[KIDS YELLING]

760
00:42:02,271 --> 00:42:04,106
Kasi, please come out of there.

761
00:42:04,273 --> 00:42:06,108
Don't make me come and get you.

762
00:42:07,693 --> 00:42:09,111
Kasi.

763
00:42:09,778 --> 00:42:12,197
- Come on.
- Come and get it.

764
00:42:25,461 --> 00:42:27,337
[BALLOONS POPPING]

765
00:42:34,511 --> 00:42:36,638
BRAD:
Wait a minute. Kate went to fat camp?

766
00:42:36,805 --> 00:42:40,100
Yup. She lost three pounds.
It only took her all summer.

767
00:42:40,476 --> 00:42:43,312
- Pound a month.
MARILYN: Courtney.

768
00:42:45,105 --> 00:42:48,108
Kasi, honey!
Please give me back that marker!

769
00:42:48,567 --> 00:42:50,652
- Keep away!
BOY 1: Yeah, keep away!

770
00:42:52,613 --> 00:42:54,156
Come and get it, old lady.

771
00:42:54,323 --> 00:42:56,867
- What?
BOY 2: Keep away, keep away!

772
00:42:57,034 --> 00:42:59,078
- Give it to me.
-"Give it to me."

773
00:42:59,244 --> 00:43:00,913
Just give me the marker, okay?

774
00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:03,916
"Just give me the marker, okay?"

775
00:43:04,083 --> 00:43:06,460
Come and get it, sucker.

776
00:43:10,089 --> 00:43:11,423
BOY 3:
Don't let her get it!

777
00:43:16,053 --> 00:43:17,096
BOY 1:
Yeah!

778
00:43:18,806 --> 00:43:19,848
That's Kate?

779
00:43:20,015 --> 00:43:22,518
- So wait a minute. Who's that?
- That's Kate.

780
00:43:22,684 --> 00:43:24,144
That's not a boy named Bjorn?

781
00:43:24,311 --> 00:43:26,021
[WOMEN LAUGHING]

782
00:43:26,230 --> 00:43:27,314
BOY 1:
Yeah!

783
00:43:28,273 --> 00:43:29,608
BOY 2:
Dog pile!

784
00:43:29,775 --> 00:43:30,776
[KATE SCREAMING]

785
00:43:30,943 --> 00:43:32,694
BOY 3:
Yeah! Dog pile!

786
00:43:33,278 --> 00:43:35,405
[KATE SCREAMING]

787
00:43:35,614 --> 00:43:38,200
I can't believe it,
Kate is actually playing with Kasi.

788
00:43:38,367 --> 00:43:40,452
I've never seen her
play with my kids before.

789
00:43:41,620 --> 00:43:42,955
BRAD:
Hey, hey, hey!

790
00:43:47,167 --> 00:43:48,710
Mistletoe!

791
00:43:50,045 --> 00:43:51,171
Brad!

792
00:43:51,338 --> 00:43:52,631
Mistletoe!

793
00:43:53,340 --> 00:43:55,551
Mistletoe!

794
00:43:55,717 --> 00:43:58,011
- We're so glad you're here.
- I'm having so much fun.

795
00:43:58,178 --> 00:43:59,221
Look.

796
00:43:59,388 --> 00:44:02,349
Why did she take so long
to bring you here is what I wanna know.

797
00:44:02,808 --> 00:44:04,351
[KIDS YELLING]

798
00:44:04,685 --> 00:44:06,019
KATE:
Ah!

799
00:44:21,410 --> 00:44:23,495
I came here for a marker...

800
00:44:23,662 --> 00:44:26,582
...and I'm not leaving without one.

801
00:44:45,642 --> 00:44:46,935
Kasi!

802
00:44:48,937 --> 00:44:50,856
That marker in your mouth?

803
00:44:51,023 --> 00:44:52,858
I peed on it.

804
00:45:02,826 --> 00:45:04,077
Ugh...

805
00:45:31,813 --> 00:45:32,981
Hey.

806
00:45:34,316 --> 00:45:37,236
Sweetheart, you never told me
that you went to fat camp.

807
00:45:37,402 --> 00:45:39,238
Okay, it was called Get Fit Camp.

808
00:45:39,404 --> 00:45:42,366
I can't believe my family's showing you
all my childhood pictures.

809
00:45:42,532 --> 00:45:44,326
My favorite ones
are when you were a baby.

810
00:45:44,493 --> 00:45:48,914
It looks like you were supposed to be a twin
but you ate the other baby in the womb.

811
00:45:49,081 --> 00:45:52,334
That's why you're so powerful.
You ate your sister and took her powers.

812
00:45:52,501 --> 00:45:54,169
- Elvis was a twin.
- Cut it out.

813
00:45:54,336 --> 00:45:55,504
Baby, I love you.

814
00:45:55,671 --> 00:45:59,591
It doesn't bother me if you were
a large child with lesbian tendencies.

815
00:45:59,758 --> 00:46:02,678
If that was your journey
that led you to me, I'm cool with it.

816
00:46:02,844 --> 00:46:05,514
-"Lesbian tendencies"?
- I saw the pictures of Jo.

817
00:46:06,181 --> 00:46:07,516
What? Jo wasn't gay.

818
00:46:08,016 --> 00:46:09,810
Okay, honey, haircuts don't lie.

819
00:46:10,435 --> 00:46:13,981
Okay, what did you do with Jo?
Like, play baseball and ride motorcycles?

820
00:46:14,147 --> 00:46:15,190
No, we were just kids.

821
00:46:15,357 --> 00:46:17,776
She was imaginative.
We'd play games in her basement.

822
00:46:17,943 --> 00:46:20,946
She had this game called Suntan,
and we'd pretend to be on the beach.

823
00:46:21,113 --> 00:46:24,533
She'd take lotion, and she never
wanted me to burn, so she'd rub it...

824
00:46:26,243 --> 00:46:27,911
Okay. Listen and look at me.

825
00:46:28,078 --> 00:46:29,538
You're a better kisser for it.

826
00:46:29,705 --> 00:46:33,375
All I'm saying is it's not so fun
when the shoe's on the other foot, right?

827
00:46:33,542 --> 00:46:35,836
You shouldn't be so shitty
about the Orlando stuff...

828
00:46:36,003 --> 00:46:38,797
...when you have so many skeletons
in your own closet, right?

829
00:46:39,047 --> 00:46:42,217
Do not throw rocks
when you live in a house of Jo.

830
00:46:42,592 --> 00:46:46,763
- Okay, I see your point.
- I love you. See you in a little bit.

831
00:46:51,393 --> 00:46:52,602
Mom?

832
00:46:53,812 --> 00:46:55,689
I really need to talk to you for a second.

833
00:46:55,856 --> 00:46:58,942
I don't have time for this.
I don't wanna be late for Pastor Phil.

834
00:46:59,109 --> 00:47:02,195
But I just--
I kind of wanna talk about it now.

835
00:47:02,362 --> 00:47:05,073
If it's important now,
it'll be important after church.

836
00:47:06,533 --> 00:47:07,701
Well, yeah, but I--

837
00:47:07,868 --> 00:47:10,620
Can you clean yourself up a little?
This is a nice church.

838
00:47:14,583 --> 00:47:16,626
[GARY GLITTER'S
"ROCK & ROLL PART 2" BLARING]

839
00:47:17,085 --> 00:47:19,254
[CHEERING]

840
00:47:22,215 --> 00:47:24,634
MAN:
And now...

841
00:47:24,801 --> 00:47:29,890
...your Pastor Phil!

842
00:47:30,057 --> 00:47:32,893
PHIL:
Glory to the newborn king!

843
00:47:33,060 --> 00:47:35,729
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

844
00:47:36,396 --> 00:47:38,482
Come praise him. Hallelujah.

845
00:47:39,483 --> 00:47:42,986
Sing his praises.
Hark, the herald angels sing.

846
00:47:44,571 --> 00:47:46,239
Glory to the newborn king.

847
00:47:47,783 --> 00:47:49,493
Hallelujah.

848
00:47:52,287 --> 00:47:53,413
Please be seated.

849
00:47:57,584 --> 00:47:59,252
I've been given a note.

850
00:47:59,419 --> 00:48:03,507
The Walshes, who've performed the role of
Mary and Joseph for the last three years...

851
00:48:03,673 --> 00:48:06,760
...and done a great job, had some food
that didn't agree with them.

852
00:48:06,927 --> 00:48:11,640
So we'll need a pair of volunteers
to perform the roles of Mary and Joseph.

853
00:48:14,017 --> 00:48:16,144
[WHISPERING]
Hey. Honey, you should do it.

854
00:48:16,478 --> 00:48:20,524
What? No. I'm not getting up there
in front of a bunch of strangers.

855
00:48:20,690 --> 00:48:23,610
You are stage-trained.
You played Pippin in high school.

856
00:48:23,777 --> 00:48:26,613
No, I wasn't Pippin, I was in <i>Pippin.</i>

857
00:48:26,780 --> 00:48:30,325
I played a tree because I had such
bad stage fright. Do you remember this?

858
00:48:30,492 --> 00:48:33,995
I know this seems like I'm putting you
on the spot and, in fact, I am.

859
00:48:34,162 --> 00:48:36,790
Honey, Pastor Phil needs you.

860
00:48:37,124 --> 00:48:38,208
I'm not gonna do it.

861
00:48:38,375 --> 00:48:41,503
Do I have a volunteer?
Or do I still need a volunteer?

862
00:48:42,879 --> 00:48:46,133
- Kate will play the Virgin Mary!
- What?

863
00:48:46,299 --> 00:48:47,676
Hallelujah. Joy to the world.

864
00:48:47,843 --> 00:48:50,971
- Just said I wouldn't.
- This is so blessed of you to do.

865
00:48:51,138 --> 00:48:54,015
PHIL:
Kate, you stand up! Stand up!

866
00:48:54,182 --> 00:48:59,354
Look at the joy you've brought this
congregation by volunteering to be Mary.

867
00:48:59,521 --> 00:49:01,857
Lo, I still need a Joseph.

868
00:49:03,316 --> 00:49:04,401
Brad, be Joseph.

869
00:49:04,818 --> 00:49:06,987
I'm not stage-trained.
I never played Pippin.

870
00:49:07,154 --> 00:49:10,198
You don't have to perform, just get up.
I don't wanna be alone.

871
00:49:10,365 --> 00:49:11,658
It's not gonna happen.

872
00:49:12,534 --> 00:49:14,202
Brad, do stand up.

873
00:49:14,578 --> 00:49:17,080
You are a part of this earth, Brad.

874
00:49:35,432 --> 00:49:38,518
Listen to me, Brad.
I need you to look out for me up there...

875
00:49:38,685 --> 00:49:41,188
...because I'm starting
to get really nervous.

876
00:49:41,354 --> 00:49:44,191
- That stage-fright thing.
BRAD: How do I look?

877
00:49:44,858 --> 00:49:45,901
What do you think?

878
00:49:46,067 --> 00:49:48,361
You look fine. I'm trying to get you to ta--

879
00:49:48,528 --> 00:49:50,614
My man skirt too short,
or is it okay? Honestly.

880
00:49:50,780 --> 00:49:52,073
It's a little short.

881
00:49:52,240 --> 00:49:54,451
Okay, here's Jesus.

882
00:49:54,868 --> 00:49:56,703
They don't use a doll?

883
00:49:56,870 --> 00:49:58,705
Here are your scripts.

884
00:49:58,872 --> 00:50:01,875
BRAD: Scripts? I'm not equipped for scripts.
KATE: Hi, Jesus.

885
00:50:02,042 --> 00:50:03,460
No one said there'd be lines--

886
00:50:03,627 --> 00:50:05,629
- Hey, Jesus.
WOMAN: Actually, his name is Bernard.

887
00:50:05,795 --> 00:50:08,590
Okay. Hi, Bernard.

888
00:50:08,757 --> 00:50:11,218
I got lines.
I gotta try to get my voice ready.

889
00:50:11,384 --> 00:50:13,303
Red leather, yellow leather.

890
00:50:14,387 --> 00:50:16,389
This is a good baby.

891
00:50:16,556 --> 00:50:18,225
Look at this baby.

892
00:50:18,391 --> 00:50:21,603
Baby, do you see,
Baby Jesus is really kind of cute.

893
00:50:21,811 --> 00:50:24,397
"This child is a blessing
to the both of us."

894
00:50:24,564 --> 00:50:25,649
Really?

895
00:50:26,566 --> 00:50:28,401
What? You think I should do it bigger?

896
00:50:28,568 --> 00:50:31,613
More like,
"This child is a blessing to the both of us!"

897
00:50:31,780 --> 00:50:33,573
But not angry, inspired.

898
00:50:33,740 --> 00:50:36,618
Oh, my God, there's so many different
ways to play this thing.

899
00:50:36,785 --> 00:50:38,411
Can I ask you a question, seriously?

900
00:50:38,578 --> 00:50:40,705
My wife is pregnant,
but it's not my child.

901
00:50:40,872 --> 00:50:44,626
Do you think I'm cool with it because
God's the one that got her pregnant?

902
00:50:48,129 --> 00:50:52,133
PHIL: Are we ready to see the result
of that Immaculate Conception?

903
00:50:52,592 --> 00:50:53,969
Hallelujah!

904
00:50:54,135 --> 00:50:56,304
Brad, I don't feel good.

905
00:50:56,805 --> 00:50:58,306
Maybe you should hold the baby.

906
00:50:58,473 --> 00:51:00,475
Sweetheart,
I gotta get my instrument loose.

907
00:51:00,642 --> 00:51:03,311
Just remember: Acting is reacting.

908
00:51:03,478 --> 00:51:07,357
Joseph and Mary went up from Galilee
and out of the city of Nazareth.

909
00:51:07,774 --> 00:51:09,859
Okay. Find your truth.

910
00:51:10,026 --> 00:51:12,320
I'm gonna blow the roof off this bitch.

911
00:51:18,493 --> 00:51:20,787
Brad, I don't know if I can do this.

912
00:51:20,954 --> 00:51:24,207
Check it out, baby,
they're digging my walk.

913
00:51:31,131 --> 00:51:36,052
And because there was no room
in the inn, they stayed in the stable.

914
00:51:38,179 --> 00:51:40,890
And Mary wrapped
the baby in swaddling clothes...

915
00:51:41,057 --> 00:51:43,184
...and placed him in a manger.

916
00:51:53,737 --> 00:51:57,198
And Mary wrapped the baby
in swaddling clothes...

917
00:51:57,365 --> 00:51:59,075
...and placed him in a manger.

918
00:52:02,871 --> 00:52:04,748
[WHISPERS]
Put him in it.

919
00:52:06,499 --> 00:52:08,668
[WHISPERS]
Brad, help me swaddle.

920
00:52:08,835 --> 00:52:11,713
[WHISPERS] I gotta say my line.
We're losing the audience. It's dead air.

921
00:52:12,422 --> 00:52:14,215
MAN:
Come on, Mary!

922
00:52:16,343 --> 00:52:19,429
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
This child is a blessing to the both of us.

923
00:52:20,221 --> 00:52:21,598
Amen.

924
00:52:22,390 --> 00:52:24,017
That's right.

925
00:52:27,729 --> 00:52:29,564
[BOTH WHISPERING]
Your line.

926
00:52:30,940 --> 00:52:32,859
- I forgot my line.
- What?

927
00:52:33,026 --> 00:52:34,527
I forgot my line.

928
00:52:34,694 --> 00:52:37,739
Well, thank goodness
I memorized yours too.

929
00:52:38,406 --> 00:52:40,283
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
We shall name him Jesus.

930
00:52:41,117 --> 00:52:43,745
Glory to God.

931
00:52:44,579 --> 00:52:48,750
And peace on Earth,
to the highest point on Earth.

932
00:52:49,417 --> 00:52:51,127
[CROWD CHEERING]

933
00:52:52,253 --> 00:52:54,381
[BOTH WHISPERING] No
swaddle cloth. This isn't enough.

934
00:52:54,547 --> 00:52:56,383
Someone's gotta carry the performance.

935
00:52:56,549 --> 00:52:59,219
Brad, I can't feel my legs.
Please don't do this to me.

936
00:52:59,386 --> 00:53:01,805
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
It would appear that my wife is better...

937
00:53:01,971 --> 00:53:04,933
...at making babies
than swaddling them, no?

938
00:53:05,100 --> 00:53:06,518
Yes?

939
00:53:06,976 --> 00:53:08,436
[CROWD LAUGHING]

940
00:53:09,437 --> 00:53:12,107
[WHISPERING] Brad, you're wearing
the swaddle cloth on your belt.

941
00:53:12,273 --> 00:53:16,820
Woman, do your job
and swaddle this baby!

942
00:53:16,986 --> 00:53:19,823
[WHISPERING] Brad, I can't. You're wearing
the swaddle around your belt.

943
00:53:19,989 --> 00:53:23,159
Enough! This child's life
is now in jeopardy.

944
00:53:23,326 --> 00:53:26,413
Unfit mother, give me this baby.

945
00:53:26,579 --> 00:53:28,039
[BABY CRYING]

946
00:53:28,998 --> 00:53:32,085
And I, Joseph...

947
00:53:32,252 --> 00:53:34,963
...shall swaddle this baby.

948
00:53:35,130 --> 00:53:37,799
And I, Joseph...

949
00:53:38,299 --> 00:53:39,968
...will protect this child.

950
00:53:40,677 --> 00:53:42,470
Forgive her, son...

951
00:53:42,637 --> 00:53:47,892
...for she knows not what she's done.

952
00:53:53,481 --> 00:53:54,816
Yeah!

953
00:53:55,316 --> 00:53:57,318
Yes! Yes!

954
00:53:58,319 --> 00:54:00,363
[UP-TEMPOED MUSIC PLAYING]

955
00:54:02,824 --> 00:54:04,284
Hallelujah!

956
00:54:04,451 --> 00:54:05,869
That's the message of Christmas!

957
00:54:06,035 --> 00:54:07,120
MAN:
Come on!

958
00:54:07,287 --> 00:54:08,705
PHIL:
Hallelujah!

959
00:54:11,249 --> 00:54:12,333
Whoo-hoo!

960
00:54:12,500 --> 00:54:14,127
PHIL:
Hallelujah!

961
00:54:14,294 --> 00:54:16,004
Hallelujah!

962
00:54:16,629 --> 00:54:19,841
MARILYN:
That was inspiring.

963
00:54:20,675 --> 00:54:24,846
[PEOPLE SINGING UP-TEMPOED VERSION OF
"SILENT NIGHT"]

964
00:54:42,030 --> 00:54:44,365
BRAD: Now I know how Celine Dion feels
after a show.

965
00:54:44,532 --> 00:54:45,867
Because you give so much.

966
00:54:46,034 --> 00:54:47,994
But I got a lot back too.

967
00:54:48,161 --> 00:54:49,746
You feel like Celine Dion?

968
00:54:49,913 --> 00:54:52,665
How do you calm down off of such a high?
It's difficult to do.

969
00:54:53,333 --> 00:54:57,670
I just can't believe you threw me down
in front of an entire congregation.

970
00:54:57,837 --> 00:55:01,174
- You were thinking about yourself.
- I was thinking of the show.

971
00:55:01,341 --> 00:55:03,885
And quite frankly, I think
I brought the whole thing home.

972
00:55:04,052 --> 00:55:05,553
- Oh, my God.
- I did.

973
00:55:05,720 --> 00:55:08,181
- Is this how it'll be with us?
- Is this how what'll be?

974
00:55:08,348 --> 00:55:11,392
I'd like to know that you'll be there
for me in a time of crisis.

975
00:55:11,559 --> 00:55:13,937
If we were on a plane going down,
I was passed out...

976
00:55:14,103 --> 00:55:16,564
...and they said, "Everybody
put on their oxygen mask."

977
00:55:16,731 --> 00:55:20,443
I'd like to know that you'd put mine on
before you put on your own. You know?

978
00:55:20,610 --> 00:55:23,112
I wouldn't. And the FAA
wouldn't want me to do it either.

979
00:55:23,279 --> 00:55:25,615
- I'm not talking about the FAA.
- Do you ever listen?

980
00:55:25,782 --> 00:55:27,909
- What?
- Do you listen to the stewardesses?

981
00:55:28,076 --> 00:55:30,912
Too busy using a BlackBerry,
having them tell you to shut it off?

982
00:55:31,079 --> 00:55:32,622
I listen to the stewardesses.

983
00:55:32,789 --> 00:55:36,751
They let you know that you're supposed
to put your mask on in case of emergency...

984
00:55:36,918 --> 00:55:39,921
...before you try to help out a child
or an unfit adult next to you.

985
00:55:40,088 --> 00:55:43,091
If you pass out, you won't help.
"I'm putting the mask on this one.

986
00:55:43,258 --> 00:55:46,219
Now I'm passed out.
Now I'm not helping anybody."

987
00:55:46,386 --> 00:55:48,471
KATE: That's not the point.
- Then what is the point?

988
00:55:48,638 --> 00:55:50,974
Maybe I'm going at this wrong.
What's your point?

989
00:55:52,767 --> 00:55:55,812
KATE: We're not really connecting.
It's like you're not even present.

990
00:55:55,979 --> 00:55:58,106
I have been present.
I've been here all day.

991
00:55:58,481 --> 00:56:00,608
We've been doing things
alongside each other...

992
00:56:00,775 --> 00:56:03,319
...but I would like for us
to do some things together.

993
00:56:03,945 --> 00:56:07,657
I think you're upset with your family,
and I think you're taking it out on me.

994
00:56:07,824 --> 00:56:10,243
- I've been upset with them for years.
- It's not fun!

995
00:56:10,410 --> 00:56:13,746
This is not about my family.
This is about you and me.

996
00:56:13,913 --> 00:56:15,290
[DOORBELL RINGS]

997
00:56:15,456 --> 00:56:17,417
I just want something different for us.

998
00:56:17,584 --> 00:56:19,961
- Merry Christmas, stranger.
- Mom!

999
00:56:20,336 --> 00:56:21,629
God, I've missed you.

1000
00:56:21,796 --> 00:56:23,923
- Good to see you, Mom.
- Oh, it's been so long.

1001
00:56:24,799 --> 00:56:26,843
- And you must be Kate.
- Yes.

1002
00:56:27,010 --> 00:56:28,761
Oh, she's darling.

1003
00:56:29,012 --> 00:56:31,848
- It's wonderful to meet you.
- Thank you. It's nice to meet you.

1004
00:56:32,015 --> 00:56:35,602
- So should I call you--?
- Just call me Paula. Just Paula.

1005
00:56:35,810 --> 00:56:38,146
I am so glad you came.

1006
00:56:38,646 --> 00:56:42,108
Looks like you've taken good care of him.
Certainly hasn't missed many meals.

1007
00:56:42,275 --> 00:56:44,485
- Oh, that's great.
KATE: He likes to snack.

1008
00:56:44,652 --> 00:56:45,778
PAULA: Yes, he does.
- I do.

1009
00:56:45,945 --> 00:56:47,322
Well, come on in and relax.

1010
00:56:47,488 --> 00:56:50,158
I've fixed all of your favorite dishes,
Bradford.

1011
00:56:50,325 --> 00:56:54,662
Denver and Susan are watching TV, so let's
just sit here and catch up for a minute.

1012
00:56:54,829 --> 00:56:56,831
KATE: Your house is beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.

1013
00:56:56,998 --> 00:56:58,041
KATE:
This is gorgeous.

1014
00:56:58,207 --> 00:57:00,668
Well, you knew Bradford lived with me
after the divorce.

1015
00:57:00,835 --> 00:57:03,171
Denver and Dallas
were more comfortable with Howard...

1016
00:57:03,338 --> 00:57:06,174
...but Bradford
was the more sensitive type.

1017
00:57:06,382 --> 00:57:09,802
Oh, we were just best friends.
Just inseparable.

1018
00:57:09,969 --> 00:57:12,555
My God, he breast-fed until he was 5.

1019
00:57:12,722 --> 00:57:15,683
- Thought I'd have to take you to college.
- We've had enough--

1020
00:57:15,850 --> 00:57:19,354
The only one who was on my tits more
was a professor I dated after his father.

1021
00:57:19,520 --> 00:57:22,523
- Can you not say "tits," please?
- Hey, kids!

1022
00:57:22,690 --> 00:57:24,025
Oh, Kate, this is Darryl.

1023
00:57:24,525 --> 00:57:25,735
Hi, nice to meet you.

1024
00:57:26,027 --> 00:57:28,529
It is so nice to meet you, young lady.

1025
00:57:30,198 --> 00:57:34,410
And always great to see you, big guy!
Hey, how was traffic getting out here, huh?

1026
00:57:34,577 --> 00:57:38,039
You know what?
I'd really like to get your gas money.

1027
00:57:38,206 --> 00:57:41,084
Actually, I don't need you
to get my gas money, thank you.

1028
00:57:41,250 --> 00:57:43,920
I make a lot more than you do,
so no, thank you.

1029
00:57:44,087 --> 00:57:46,214
Bradford, be nice.

1030
00:57:46,381 --> 00:57:48,508
DARRYL:
It's okay, sweetie.

1031
00:57:50,760 --> 00:57:53,596
Look, Brad...

1032
00:57:54,389 --> 00:57:56,057
...I'm not trying to be your father.

1033
00:57:56,557 --> 00:57:58,184
You already got one of those.

1034
00:57:59,185 --> 00:58:01,771
I'm just hoping for a chance
to be your friend.

1035
00:58:02,397 --> 00:58:05,233
You were my friend, Darryl.
You were my best friend.

1036
00:58:05,775 --> 00:58:09,445
We grew up together, we rode bikes
together. We'd smell each other's hands.

1037
00:58:09,612 --> 00:58:13,533
Now you're sleeping with my mom, and
it's weird for me. Can you appreciate that?

1038
00:58:13,700 --> 00:58:16,744
I never had a sexual thought
about your mom until I was 30.

1039
00:58:16,911 --> 00:58:19,330
Can you leave it alone?
You can't be my friend anymore.

1040
00:58:19,497 --> 00:58:22,750
You can't be sleeping with my mom
and still be my friend, okay?

1041
00:58:22,917 --> 00:58:24,210
Is anybody else thirsty?

1042
00:58:24,377 --> 00:58:26,421
- Kate, what can I get you to drink?
- I'm good.

1043
00:58:26,587 --> 00:58:28,715
Your mother is a very sexual being, Brad.

1044
00:58:28,881 --> 00:58:30,883
- She's a very what?
- She's a great lover and--

1045
00:58:31,050 --> 00:58:33,136
Say that again
and I'll bust your mouth open.

1046
00:58:33,302 --> 00:58:36,639
Lookit, this is Christmas,
and we are not gonna go there.

1047
00:58:36,806 --> 00:58:39,809
Kate has been kind enough
to send us some games...

1048
00:58:39,976 --> 00:58:42,812
...and we are gonna play them,
and we're gonna have fun. Okay?

1049
00:58:51,612 --> 00:58:54,615
Why are you staring at me
when you eat the wings?

1050
00:58:54,782 --> 00:58:56,409
It's uncomfortable.

1051
00:58:58,286 --> 00:59:01,456
Connor, honey, don't eat those brownies.
Those are my special brownies.

1052
00:59:03,082 --> 00:59:05,752
Kate, could you be a lamb
and explain the rules?

1053
00:59:05,918 --> 00:59:07,295
Oh, of course.

1054
00:59:07,462 --> 00:59:10,173
Get your teammate
to say the word on the top of the card...

1055
00:59:10,339 --> 00:59:12,759
...but you can't say
any of the words listed beneath.

1056
00:59:12,925 --> 00:59:15,762
And if you say any of the taboo words
then you get buzzed.

1057
00:59:15,928 --> 00:59:17,638
Okay? Does that make sense?

1058
00:59:17,805 --> 00:59:22,018
I'm so excited to have you all here to play
this game together. It'll be so much fun.

1059
00:59:22,185 --> 00:59:24,353
Hey, it's good to have my friend back.

1060
00:59:26,314 --> 00:59:27,774
So who wants to go first?

1061
00:59:27,940 --> 00:59:29,192
- I'll go.
- Okay.

1062
00:59:29,358 --> 00:59:31,611
Brad, why don't you buzz your mom...

1063
00:59:31,778 --> 00:59:33,196
...and then I'll do the timer?

1064
00:59:33,488 --> 00:59:34,822
Thanks.

1065
00:59:36,324 --> 00:59:38,034
On your mark, get set...

1066
00:59:38,201 --> 00:59:39,243
...go.

1067
00:59:39,660 --> 00:59:41,913
Okay. This is a town in France.

1068
00:59:42,080 --> 00:59:43,122
[BUZZ]

1069
00:59:43,289 --> 00:59:45,083
- What?
-"France" is on the thing.

1070
00:59:45,249 --> 00:59:47,668
- Don't buzz me like that.
- It's the same for everybody.

1071
00:59:47,835 --> 00:59:50,004
It's okay, sweetie, just do the next card.

1072
00:59:51,339 --> 00:59:52,340
Okay...

1073
00:59:52,799 --> 00:59:54,008
...this is me.

1074
00:59:54,175 --> 00:59:55,676
- I'm a...?
- Cradle robber.

1075
00:59:55,843 --> 00:59:57,303
DARRYL: Keep going.
- What did he say?

1076
00:59:57,470 --> 00:59:59,180
Don't worry. You're a therapist.

1077
00:59:59,347 --> 01:00:02,350
No, no, no. Not Capricorn but a--

1078
01:00:02,517 --> 01:00:04,310
- Libra.
- Yes!

1079
01:00:05,144 --> 01:00:06,521
It's fun.

1080
01:00:07,146 --> 01:00:08,523
Okay...

1081
01:00:09,065 --> 01:00:10,733
...this is what you dripped on me.

1082
01:00:11,317 --> 01:00:12,360
Wax.

1083
01:00:12,527 --> 01:00:14,654
PAULA:
No, after that.

1084
01:00:15,196 --> 01:00:17,657
- It's brown.
- Okay, make this stop, please.

1085
01:00:17,824 --> 01:00:20,409
- Oh, chocolate.
- No, before that, after the wax!

1086
01:00:20,576 --> 01:00:22,495
BRAD: Oh, my God.
- The syrup.

1087
01:00:22,662 --> 01:00:24,497
- Yes!
DARRYL: Yes! Yes.

1088
01:00:24,664 --> 01:00:26,833
It's way sticky, dude.
I would not recommend that.

1089
01:00:27,208 --> 01:00:29,919
PAULA: Okay.
- Okay, time. Time.

1090
01:00:30,086 --> 01:00:32,505
- Oh, good job, good job.
- Good job. Well, we got two.

1091
01:00:32,672 --> 01:00:34,090
Okay, who wants to go next?

1092
01:00:34,257 --> 01:00:35,883
- We'll go.
KATE: Okay, great.

1093
01:00:36,217 --> 01:00:38,219
KATE:
I'll do the buzzer.

1094
01:00:39,262 --> 01:00:41,722
Are you gonna actually
eat while you play that?

1095
01:00:42,056 --> 01:00:43,599
- Just flip the tube.
BRAD: Excuse me?

1096
01:00:43,766 --> 01:00:45,184
Flip the tube.

1097
01:00:45,351 --> 01:00:47,687
KATE:
Okay. On your mark, get set, go!

1098
01:00:48,604 --> 01:00:49,689
Capital of China.

1099
01:00:49,856 --> 01:00:51,440
- Hong Kong.
- Yes.

1100
01:00:51,607 --> 01:00:53,442
Thing next to your bed on the nightstand.

1101
01:00:53,609 --> 01:00:55,027
- A sock?
- Yes.

1102
01:00:56,070 --> 01:00:58,406
SUSAN: I helped you come up with this
when you were drunk...

1103
01:00:58,573 --> 01:01:01,033
...and you came home
from the bar last Thursday.

1104
01:01:01,200 --> 01:01:02,243
- Alibi.
- Yes.

1105
01:01:02,869 --> 01:01:05,955
All right. The thing I'm not allowed
to wear to Supercross.

1106
01:01:06,122 --> 01:01:07,623
- Miniskirt.
- Yes.

1107
01:01:07,790 --> 01:01:10,418
Me and you dry-humping on the beach.

1108
01:01:11,043 --> 01:01:13,796
- A screen saver.
- Yes, baby. This game is so easy.

1109
01:01:14,380 --> 01:01:18,092
The only man that I am allowed
to cheat on you with.

1110
01:01:18,551 --> 01:01:19,802
- John Grisham.
- Yes.

1111
01:01:19,969 --> 01:01:22,096
Mexican dude.

1112
01:01:22,263 --> 01:01:23,556
- Ricardo Montalban.
- Yes.

1113
01:01:23,723 --> 01:01:25,892
- Time.
- Right here.

1114
01:01:26,058 --> 01:01:27,602
SUSAN:
Oh, my God. Come here.

1115
01:01:29,270 --> 01:01:31,939
This is like an animals-attack video.

1116
01:01:32,106 --> 01:01:33,816
- There's other people.
- Stop, baby.

1117
01:01:33,983 --> 01:01:35,443
Sto-- Oh, God.

1118
01:01:35,943 --> 01:01:37,987
You guys got a lot. How many was that?

1119
01:01:38,154 --> 01:01:39,572
- Seven.
- Seven.

1120
01:01:39,739 --> 01:01:41,782
KATE: Paula, can you do the buzzer?
PAULA: Oh, yeah.

1121
01:01:41,949 --> 01:01:43,618
We can do this, baby. You ready?

1122
01:01:43,784 --> 01:01:46,078
- Yeah. Let's do it.
- Okay, let's light a fire.

1123
01:01:46,245 --> 01:01:47,496
SUSAN:
Ready? Go.

1124
01:01:47,663 --> 01:01:50,416
Okay, this is the thing
I'm most scared of in the whole world.

1125
01:01:50,583 --> 01:01:53,127
- Snakes.
- No, no. The thing I'm most scared of.

1126
01:01:53,294 --> 01:01:54,462
Jump-Jumps, 4-year-olds.

1127
01:01:54,629 --> 01:01:56,839
More than anything.
This scares me to my core.

1128
01:01:57,006 --> 01:01:59,759
You have to come with a--
Use a lifeline. Ask the audience.

1129
01:01:59,926 --> 01:02:01,302
Spiders. I'm scared of spiders.

1130
01:02:01,469 --> 01:02:03,137
BRAD:
You don't have to say the answer.

1131
01:02:03,304 --> 01:02:06,557
You say something like "an eight-legged
animal," or like "a superhero--"

1132
01:02:06,724 --> 01:02:08,476
[BUZZ]
Can't say "superhero."

1133
01:02:08,643 --> 01:02:11,187
- Mom, I'm not the one with the card.
- Let's just try again.

1134
01:02:11,479 --> 01:02:14,690
Okay. In high school, my senior year
spring break I was in Cancun.

1135
01:02:14,857 --> 01:02:17,526
I was wearing this bikini top,
I'd lost all this weight.

1136
01:02:17,693 --> 01:02:19,487
- Tourist. Skinny.
- And-- No, no, no.

1137
01:02:19,654 --> 01:02:22,657
- Thin?
- No, I was on the bar, shaking around--

1138
01:02:22,823 --> 01:02:25,034
- Dancer.
- My stuff fell out. All the bartenders--

1139
01:02:25,201 --> 01:02:26,619
- Your what fell out?
- My stuff.

1140
01:02:26,786 --> 01:02:28,871
Everybody would call me
when I went to the bar.

1141
01:02:29,038 --> 01:02:30,665
They'd say: "Oh, here comes..."?

1142
01:02:33,834 --> 01:02:35,169
Peek-a-boo.

1143
01:02:36,170 --> 01:02:37,171
Peek-a-boo.

1144
01:02:37,338 --> 01:02:39,799
Okay, honey, you can say,
like, "look." Or like something--

1145
01:02:39,966 --> 01:02:41,384
[BUZZ]
Can't say "look."

1146
01:02:41,550 --> 01:02:43,219
I don't have the card.
I'm giving examples.

1147
01:02:43,386 --> 01:02:45,096
- Let's go.
- If I have the thing...

1148
01:02:45,263 --> 01:02:46,389
- See?
- You can't say "see."

1149
01:02:46,555 --> 01:02:49,350
- I'm just explaining how the game works.
- Can't say "game"!

1150
01:02:49,642 --> 01:02:52,478
Mom, the answer's been said.
She said the answer.

1151
01:02:52,645 --> 01:02:55,022
- We're running out of time.
- You know what I mean?

1152
01:02:55,189 --> 01:02:58,818
I got it. Okay, this is something
that you would eat...

1153
01:02:58,985 --> 01:03:00,861
...and you put it on the barbeque.

1154
01:03:01,028 --> 01:03:02,071
- Chicken.
- My favorite--

1155
01:03:02,238 --> 01:03:03,364
- Beef.
- Can't say "beef"!

1156
01:03:03,531 --> 01:03:07,243
Mom, I'm not the one saying the things.
Do you get that? Just, shh, with the--

1157
01:03:07,410 --> 01:03:09,245
PAULA: You can't say "shh."
- I can say "shush."

1158
01:03:09,412 --> 01:03:10,830
KATE: Move on.
PAULA: Can't "shush."

1159
01:03:10,997 --> 01:03:12,164
"Kebab."

1160
01:03:12,331 --> 01:03:15,543
Ma, it's "kebab."
It says I can't say "shish."

1161
01:03:15,710 --> 01:03:17,670
Shish. Shish. Shish.

1162
01:03:17,837 --> 01:03:19,547
I could say it because I don't have it.

1163
01:03:19,714 --> 01:03:22,383
That's why there's a thing,
so that I can't see what it is.

1164
01:03:22,550 --> 01:03:24,176
KATE:
Okay, let's just move on.

1165
01:03:25,344 --> 01:03:26,387
Our time's up.

1166
01:03:28,931 --> 01:03:30,516
What's this attitude, Brad?

1167
01:03:30,683 --> 01:03:32,351
No attitude, I've shut down.

1168
01:03:32,518 --> 01:03:35,229
She buzzes me, I'm explaining
to you how to play the game...

1169
01:03:35,396 --> 01:03:38,107
...you obviously don't understand
the ways to play the game...

1170
01:03:38,274 --> 01:03:39,400
...and I'm shutting down.

1171
01:03:57,251 --> 01:03:59,462
I wanna talk to you about something.

1172
01:04:00,588 --> 01:04:02,256
I know what you wanna talk about.

1173
01:04:02,423 --> 01:04:04,925
- You do?
- I don't want you to apologize for it.

1174
01:04:05,092 --> 01:04:08,888
Because love means never having to say
that you're sorry. You know what I mean?

1175
01:04:09,055 --> 01:04:10,806
But for the record, I do forgive you.

1176
01:04:11,474 --> 01:04:13,434
But when you're playing board games...

1177
01:04:13,601 --> 01:04:16,771
...you shouldn't go so conceptual,
you do wanna go a lot more literal.

1178
01:04:16,937 --> 01:04:20,316
- But how else will you know unless you--?
- No. I took a pregnancy test today.

1179
01:04:21,484 --> 01:04:23,110
You took what?

1180
01:04:23,444 --> 01:04:25,613
I took a pregnancy test today.

1181
01:04:26,113 --> 01:04:27,281
At my mom's house.

1182
01:04:27,448 --> 01:04:29,283
It was in my sister's bag...

1183
01:04:29,450 --> 01:04:33,245
...and I'd been a couple days late,
so I thought I should probably take a test--

1184
01:04:33,412 --> 01:04:35,790
- Honey, you pulled the goalie?
- What?

1185
01:04:35,956 --> 01:04:38,459
You can't pull the goalie without
checking with your team.

1186
01:04:38,626 --> 01:04:40,586
That's not what this conversation
is about.

1187
01:04:40,753 --> 01:04:42,963
Well, what are you talking about?

1188
01:04:43,130 --> 01:04:45,674
Relax, Brad, it was negative.
I'm not pregnant.

1189
01:04:45,841 --> 01:04:48,803
Why don't you just hit me with that
right from the start...

1190
01:04:48,969 --> 01:04:51,305
...versus making me take laps
around the anxiety pool?

1191
01:04:51,680 --> 01:04:53,474
What is this reaction?

1192
01:04:53,641 --> 01:04:57,269
If there's one thing we learned by being
forced to be with our families today...

1193
01:04:57,436 --> 01:05:00,189
...it's about the dangers of procreating.
All right?

1194
01:05:00,356 --> 01:05:04,110
- Besides, that's not what we want in life.
- No, Brad, I realized it today.

1195
01:05:04,276 --> 01:05:07,154
I thought I'd always known
I didn't wanna have kids.

1196
01:05:07,321 --> 01:05:11,242
Then I took the test, waited to see if it's
positive or negative, and thought...

1197
01:05:11,409 --> 01:05:14,537
For just a second I felt different,
you know?

1198
01:05:14,703 --> 01:05:16,497
I felt hopeful.

1199
01:05:16,664 --> 01:05:21,669
Like maybe it would just happen and
we'd be forced to get over all of our fears.

1200
01:05:22,044 --> 01:05:25,339
We've spent so much of our relationship
creating all these boundaries.

1201
01:05:25,506 --> 01:05:29,176
Making sure that we don't limit ourselves
with responsibility and obligation.

1202
01:05:29,343 --> 01:05:32,179
I don't wanna live like that anymore.
That's not loving at all.

1203
01:05:33,389 --> 01:05:34,807
Is that an '80s song?

1204
01:05:34,974 --> 01:05:36,684
- No, Brad.
- Are you throwing '80s songs?

1205
01:05:36,851 --> 01:05:38,227
I'm tired of being one foot in.

1206
01:05:38,394 --> 01:05:40,896
I want us to love each other
however it's gonna be.

1207
01:05:41,063 --> 01:05:44,859
And if one day that means that
we get married, or have kids one day...

1208
01:05:45,025 --> 01:05:46,360
...I feel like that's okay.

1209
01:05:46,527 --> 01:05:49,905
I wanna be in a relationship
that goes where it needs to go.

1210
01:05:50,573 --> 01:05:53,534
Okay. And I'd like the relationship
to go to Fiji.

1211
01:05:53,701 --> 01:05:55,327
- This is important.
- Let's drop this.

1212
01:05:55,494 --> 01:05:58,539
- I wanna have this conversation.
- I don't wanna have the conversation.

1213
01:05:58,706 --> 01:06:01,667
I don't wanna have it.
I feel the same way I did when we first met.

1214
01:06:01,834 --> 01:06:03,210
I've been honest the whole time.

1215
01:06:03,377 --> 01:06:07,423
I don't wanna have a conversation about it,
because I don't want those things.

1216
01:06:12,887 --> 01:06:14,054
Okay.

1217
01:06:41,624 --> 01:06:43,918
It's okay, you don't have to come in.

1218
01:06:45,753 --> 01:06:47,922
I'm not gonna make you
go in by yourself.

1219
01:06:48,088 --> 01:06:50,424
I'll have my sister
drive me back to the city.

1220
01:06:50,591 --> 01:06:52,092
We'll go, and I'll drive you home.

1221
01:06:52,259 --> 01:06:55,262
I won't go in there and pretend
that we're something we're not.

1222
01:06:55,429 --> 01:06:58,057
- I can't do that anymore.
- Baby, listen to me. Please.

1223
01:06:58,557 --> 01:07:00,601
Let's not overreact to the situation.

1224
01:07:00,768 --> 01:07:03,771
I'm not overreacting, Brad. I get it.

1225
01:07:03,938 --> 01:07:06,315
I'm the one changing the rules.

1226
01:07:06,482 --> 01:07:09,777
And if you don't wanna change them
with me, I understand.

1227
01:07:11,278 --> 01:07:13,739
I just can't do this anymore.

1228
01:07:45,145 --> 01:07:46,188
CREIGHTON:
Honey?

1229
01:07:46,981 --> 01:07:48,190
Coming in?

1230
01:07:50,109 --> 01:07:51,318
Hey, Dad.

1231
01:07:52,778 --> 01:07:53,862
She made it.

1232
01:07:54,196 --> 01:07:57,533
Auntie Kate! Auntie Kate!
Merry Christmas again!

1233
01:07:57,700 --> 01:07:59,326
Hi, Kasi. Merry Christmas.

1234
01:07:59,493 --> 01:08:02,037
KASI: Come see the cool stuff
Grandpa Creighton got me.

1235
01:08:02,204 --> 01:08:03,247
Okay.

1236
01:08:04,206 --> 01:08:07,876
- Hi, I'm Cheryl, your dad's girlfriend.
- Oh, hi. Nice to finally meet you.

1237
01:08:08,043 --> 01:08:10,004
- Excuse me.
KATE: Called away, are you?

1238
01:08:10,170 --> 01:08:11,797
MARILYN: Hey, Kate.
KATE: Hi, Mom.

1239
01:08:11,964 --> 01:08:14,717
KASI:
I got a Dora Explorer backpack...

1240
01:08:15,843 --> 01:08:17,678
...a matching Dora thermos...

1241
01:08:17,845 --> 01:08:21,515
...a big-girl necklace and princess shoes.

1242
01:08:21,682 --> 01:08:24,351
Hey, guys. Hi, Auntie Kate.
Where's Brad?

1243
01:08:26,520 --> 01:08:30,149
Kasi, why don't you go tell Grandpa
thanks for all your new toys?

1244
01:08:30,524 --> 01:08:32,610
You better go, or I'm going to tickle.

1245
01:08:32,860 --> 01:08:34,695
Go.

1246
01:08:37,615 --> 01:08:40,868
KATE: This is amazing.
Dad and Mom in the same room?

1247
01:08:41,035 --> 01:08:42,369
I thought they hated each other.

1248
01:08:42,536 --> 01:08:46,999
Well, they've been getting together
for stuff since Kasi turned 1.

1249
01:08:49,376 --> 01:08:51,545
KATE:
It must be really nice for Kasi.

1250
01:08:52,379 --> 01:08:54,214
It's really nice for everyone.

1251
01:08:54,965 --> 01:08:56,467
Where is Brad?

1252
01:08:59,011 --> 01:09:00,721
He's not gonna make it.

1253
01:09:00,888 --> 01:09:04,224
And if it's all the same to everybody
I'd rather not talk about it.

1254
01:09:04,391 --> 01:09:06,727
I didn't realize
I stepped on anything heavy.

1255
01:09:06,894 --> 01:09:10,230
It's just not anything
I wanna get into right now.

1256
01:09:10,397 --> 01:09:11,732
We won't talk about him.

1257
01:09:15,194 --> 01:09:18,197
I have a great idea. Internet dating.

1258
01:09:18,572 --> 01:09:20,074
You should do it. It's great.

1259
01:09:20,240 --> 01:09:22,826
You just pay 20 bucks
and you put in your profile.

1260
01:09:23,035 --> 01:09:26,080
Susan next door did it and found
her husband that way. It's great.

1261
01:09:26,246 --> 01:09:29,750
He doesn't have a job yet but they're
working on it. You should totally do it.

1262
01:09:30,250 --> 01:09:32,086
- I'll think about that.
- Yes!

1263
01:09:32,252 --> 01:09:34,505
I'm gonna take a minute and just...

1264
01:09:34,672 --> 01:09:37,549
Okay, I got you. I got your back.
I got you.

1265
01:09:37,716 --> 01:09:39,343
Thanks.

1266
01:09:47,935 --> 01:09:49,353
[SIGHS]

1267
01:10:00,322 --> 01:10:01,699
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

1268
01:10:03,617 --> 01:10:05,035
Hey, kiddo.

1269
01:10:06,203 --> 01:10:07,538
Hey, Dad.

1270
01:10:11,792 --> 01:10:16,004
Did Brad leave to get a jump-start
on inoculating babies in Burma?

1271
01:10:17,297 --> 01:10:18,424
What?

1272
01:10:18,590 --> 01:10:20,968
Maybe he's making sock monkeys
for foster kids.

1273
01:10:21,969 --> 01:10:25,973
Or weaving ponchos
for pregnant women in the Yucatán.

1274
01:10:26,974 --> 01:10:27,975
[LAUGHS]

1275
01:10:28,809 --> 01:10:30,769
So I guess you knew we were lying.

1276
01:10:30,936 --> 01:10:32,312
Oh, boy.

1277
01:10:33,063 --> 01:10:34,481
Unfortunately...

1278
01:10:34,648 --> 01:10:39,862
...I've had a lot of experience
bending the truth to avoid my family.

1279
01:10:40,738 --> 01:10:42,489
And I'll tell you, honey...

1280
01:10:42,906 --> 01:10:44,450
...I would give anything...

1281
01:10:44,992 --> 01:10:47,077
...to have that time back again.

1282
01:10:49,496 --> 01:10:51,081
I would too.

1283
01:10:54,835 --> 01:10:56,962
It's taken me a lot of years...

1284
01:10:57,796 --> 01:10:59,590
...and several divorces...

1285
01:11:00,132 --> 01:11:01,467
...to learn...

1286
01:11:02,509 --> 01:11:05,262
...that nothing really beats being honest.

1287
01:11:05,804 --> 01:11:09,516
Honest about who you are,
what you need.

1288
01:11:09,850 --> 01:11:12,478
All the rest tends to work itself out.

1289
01:11:15,314 --> 01:11:16,899
I was honest.

1290
01:11:17,357 --> 01:11:19,318
And I think he was too.

1291
01:11:20,903 --> 01:11:23,030
It just wasn't what I wanted to hear.

1292
01:11:37,795 --> 01:11:39,630
[SIGHS]

1293
01:11:46,220 --> 01:11:48,347
CREIGHTON:
Cheryl made the dressing I like so much...

1294
01:11:48,514 --> 01:11:50,432
...and I did some of the cooking too.

1295
01:11:50,599 --> 01:11:52,893
I even put the ice cubes in the glasses...

1296
01:11:53,060 --> 01:11:54,978
...and the salt in the salt shakers.

1297
01:11:55,145 --> 01:11:56,730
All right, well...

1298
01:11:58,899 --> 01:12:00,025
Not long ago...

1299
01:12:00,192 --> 01:12:03,862
...I wouldn't have been able
to put this group of people together...

1300
01:12:04,029 --> 01:12:05,906
...in my wildest imagination.

1301
01:12:06,323 --> 01:12:08,242
The changes we've all been through...

1302
01:12:08,408 --> 01:12:11,578
...the little hurts
we've given each other...

1303
01:12:12,246 --> 01:12:15,040
...we hope we're forgiven for them.

1304
01:12:15,457 --> 01:12:17,668
We thank you, dear Lord...

1305
01:12:17,835 --> 01:12:20,879
...because there's nothing
more important...

1306
01:12:21,171 --> 01:12:22,631
...than family.

1307
01:12:24,091 --> 01:12:25,175
Amen.

1308
01:12:41,608 --> 01:12:43,026
[KNOCKING]

1309
01:12:46,363 --> 01:12:48,073
What the hell do you want?

1310
01:12:49,283 --> 01:12:51,410
You forgot your tampons?

1311
01:12:55,247 --> 01:12:56,790
No, I didn't forget anything.

1312
01:12:59,626 --> 01:13:01,461
I just came by to see you.

1313
01:13:01,879 --> 01:13:02,963
What for?

1314
01:13:03,130 --> 01:13:05,507
You already destroyed
my TV and family room.

1315
01:13:05,674 --> 01:13:08,093
You wanna bust up my kitchen as well?

1316
01:13:08,260 --> 01:13:11,638
I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean
to do that. I was just trying to--

1317
01:13:11,805 --> 01:13:13,640
Where's Tiny? She didn't come?

1318
01:13:15,267 --> 01:13:16,810
Well, Kate...

1319
01:13:17,895 --> 01:13:19,938
-...she's not with me.
- Oh.

1320
01:13:20,397 --> 01:13:22,941
She finally smelled
the pathetic on you, did she?

1321
01:13:23,108 --> 01:13:24,151
No.

1322
01:13:24,318 --> 01:13:27,654
In fact, she said that she wanted
to get more serious with me.

1323
01:13:27,821 --> 01:13:30,991
Yeah, she said that,
you know, she loved me...

1324
01:13:31,158 --> 01:13:35,495
...and she wanted to see herself having
a family with me. Having kids with me.

1325
01:13:37,331 --> 01:13:40,334
Well, congratulations.
That what you wanna hear?

1326
01:13:41,168 --> 01:13:44,046
- But I said no, Dad.
- You what?

1327
01:13:46,006 --> 01:13:48,425
Yeah, I told her
I didn't wanna get married.

1328
01:13:51,845 --> 01:13:55,307
- Are you shitting me?
- Uh-uh.

1329
01:13:56,516 --> 01:13:58,602
I'll be damned. I'll be damned.

1330
01:13:58,769 --> 01:14:00,479
That's my boy.

1331
01:14:00,646 --> 01:14:01,855
I'll be damned.

1332
01:14:02,022 --> 01:14:04,274
I always said
you were the smart one, Lando.

1333
01:14:05,817 --> 01:14:08,028
Your mind and spirit are strong like mine.

1334
01:14:10,197 --> 01:14:11,406
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

1335
01:14:11,573 --> 01:14:16,286
I tell you, it's always the one you fight
with the most is the most like you.

1336
01:14:18,580 --> 01:14:20,707
Well, what are we standing out here for?

1337
01:14:20,874 --> 01:14:22,876
Let's have a drink. Just the two of us.

1338
01:14:23,043 --> 01:14:24,795
Man to man. Father and son. All right?

1339
01:14:24,962 --> 01:14:27,130
- Merry Christmas, Dad.
- Yeah. Merry Christmas.

1340
01:14:27,297 --> 01:14:28,799
You a big boy now.

1341
01:14:28,966 --> 01:14:30,050
Let's go in.

1342
01:14:31,134 --> 01:14:33,261
Take appraisal
of the damage you've done.

1343
01:14:33,428 --> 01:14:34,554
[HOWARD LAUGHS]

1344
01:14:34,930 --> 01:14:36,515
Come on.

1345
01:14:40,477 --> 01:14:42,479
CHERYL:
Would anyone like anything else?

1346
01:14:42,646 --> 01:14:44,272
CREIGHTON: No, no.
- I'm full.

1347
01:14:44,731 --> 01:14:45,816
This one's out.

1348
01:14:47,359 --> 01:14:48,986
COURTNEY:
Dad, can you check on Jackson?

1349
01:14:49,152 --> 01:14:50,195
MARILYN:
Take her blankie.

1350
01:14:50,362 --> 01:14:51,697
COURTNEY:
Who's got the pillow?

1351
01:14:51,863 --> 01:14:53,073
CREIGHTON: This is hers?
- Yeah.

1352
01:15:58,638 --> 01:16:00,265
[DOORBELL RINGS]

1353
01:16:10,609 --> 01:16:11,902
Hey.

1354
01:16:16,281 --> 01:16:17,324
Okay, listen:

1355
01:16:17,866 --> 01:16:21,161
If you get one, you might as well get two,
because they're like dogs.

1356
01:16:21,578 --> 01:16:22,829
What are you talking about?

1357
01:16:22,996 --> 01:16:26,249
Kids. If you leave one by itself at home,
you'll never leave...

1358
01:16:26,416 --> 01:16:28,835
...because you'll feel guilty
about it being by itself.

1359
01:16:29,002 --> 01:16:31,963
With two, you don't feel bad
because they got someone to play with.

1360
01:16:32,130 --> 01:16:33,882
The other thing
to think about is school.

1361
01:16:34,049 --> 01:16:37,886
If you send them to private school
you got sweater vest and lacrosse all day.

1362
01:16:38,053 --> 01:16:41,389
But with public school, you worry
about some hyperactive art student...

1363
01:16:41,556 --> 01:16:44,309
...hopped up on medication,
trying to shank the little guy.

1364
01:16:44,476 --> 01:16:45,811
And that's uncomfortable too.

1365
01:16:45,977 --> 01:16:50,023
Are you having this conversation with me
because you're comfortable having it?

1366
01:16:50,190 --> 01:16:52,275
Or just because you wanna go to Fiji?

1367
01:16:52,442 --> 01:16:53,777
I wanna go to Fiji.

1368
01:16:53,944 --> 01:16:57,364
The tickets are already paid for
and the hotel rooms aren't transferable.

1369
01:16:57,531 --> 01:17:02,702
But, honey, I do feel comfortable now,
I think, having this conversation.

1370
01:17:02,869 --> 01:17:05,288
Because, in my heart,
I know that I found...

1371
01:17:05,455 --> 01:17:09,376
...the one person in life that I wanna
have these conversations with.

1372
01:17:09,543 --> 01:17:12,587
And that person's you.
I love you so much.

1373
01:17:12,754 --> 01:17:14,047
Come here.

1374
01:17:19,803 --> 01:17:21,930
So this doesn't mean
we're getting married...

1375
01:17:22,097 --> 01:17:24,057
-...or having kids right away.
- No, no, no.

1376
01:17:24,224 --> 01:17:26,226
But we should talk about it,
because things happen.

1377
01:17:26,393 --> 01:17:27,769
Not that we're planning on it.

1378
01:17:27,936 --> 01:17:30,438
But we're talking about it,
because these things happen.

1379
01:17:30,605 --> 01:17:31,940
And if we do have them...

1380
01:17:32,107 --> 01:17:34,359
...then, you know,
there's a lot of advantages.

1381
01:17:34,526 --> 01:17:37,696
Yeah. They're wonderful.
They give you love unconditionally--

1382
01:17:37,863 --> 01:17:41,575
They're little walking tax shelters.
You can write a lot of stuff off.

1383
01:17:41,741 --> 01:17:43,743
And all the yard work.
You save so much money.

1384
01:17:43,910 --> 01:17:45,412
I mean, once they're a certain age.

1385
01:17:45,579 --> 01:17:48,165
You won't have them on the lawnmower
when they're 7.

1386
01:17:48,331 --> 01:17:49,958
- We're not talking about slave labor.
- No.

1387
01:17:50,125 --> 01:17:52,169
- Teaching them discipline.
- Chores for money.

1388
01:17:52,335 --> 01:17:54,004
We weren't planning for our future.

1389
01:17:54,171 --> 01:17:57,090
We would've ended up living
in some home playing bingo in Florida.

1390
01:17:57,257 --> 01:17:59,885
- But now, we can live with them.
- They'll set us up.

1391
01:18:00,051 --> 01:18:02,429
We never thought about it
like this before.

1392
01:18:02,596 --> 01:18:07,017
Honey, I want you to feel comfortable
to talk to me about anything.

1393
01:18:07,184 --> 01:18:10,353
Unless there's, like, you know,
a playoff game or something like that.

1394
01:18:10,520 --> 01:18:12,939
You know what I mean?
Then we find an appropriate time.

1395
01:18:13,106 --> 01:18:15,567
- I'm kidding. Kind of.
- Okay, babe.

1396
01:18:15,734 --> 01:18:20,113
Just to be clear, this doesn't mean we're
getting married or having kids right away.

1397
01:18:20,280 --> 01:18:23,575
It just means that we're open
to let love grow where it wants to grow.

1398
01:18:23,742 --> 01:18:25,785
- Exactly, yeah.
- We're open to letting it grow.

1399
01:18:25,952 --> 01:18:27,412
That doesn't mean kids.

1400
01:18:29,831 --> 01:18:33,293
BRAD: Wow, I can't believe we did it.
- We did.

1401
01:18:34,794 --> 01:18:37,839
I don't know what happened.
I can't even remember the procedure.

1402
01:18:38,006 --> 01:18:39,799
But here's this beautiful thing, here.

1403
01:18:40,217 --> 01:18:43,136
I did feel a little like
an air-traffic controller, between the:

1404
01:18:43,303 --> 01:18:44,346
[GRUNTING]

1405
01:18:44,512 --> 01:18:45,805
And the signals and stuff.

1406
01:18:45,972 --> 01:18:49,100
It just kind of all happened,
but, God, it's awesome, baby.

1407
01:18:49,267 --> 01:18:51,144
- Isn't it amazing?
- You were amazing.

1408
01:18:51,311 --> 01:18:52,812
You just rocked this world!

1409
01:18:53,480 --> 01:18:55,732
- We have a baby.
- How's she doing?

1410
01:18:55,899 --> 01:18:57,108
Good. She's sleeping.

1411
01:18:57,275 --> 01:18:59,903
Just wanted to let you
and our New Year's baby know...

1412
01:19:00,070 --> 01:19:02,614
...that you're welcome
to bring in family members now.

1413
01:19:02,781 --> 01:19:05,492
- That's not happening.
- We're not bringing in our family.

1414
01:19:06,201 --> 01:19:08,119
Your families don't know you had a baby?

1415
01:19:08,286 --> 01:19:10,997
To be honest, they'd be shocked
to even hear Kate was pregnant.

1416
01:19:11,164 --> 01:19:13,333
Our families
can be a little much sometimes.

1417
01:19:13,500 --> 01:19:16,378
I like to think of it like
we're keeping it special for us...

1418
01:19:16,544 --> 01:19:18,213
...rather than not including them.

1419
01:19:18,505 --> 01:19:21,716
Happy New Year, Bay Area.
We are here at Pacific General...

1420
01:19:21,883 --> 01:19:24,469
...where the first baby of the New Year
has just been born.

1421
01:19:24,636 --> 01:19:27,055
Let's go say hello to those lucky parents.

1422
01:19:27,264 --> 01:19:31,226
Congratulations, McVie family, on having
the first baby of the New Year.

1423
01:19:31,393 --> 01:19:32,686
Dad, how does it feel?

1424
01:19:36,606 --> 01:19:38,149
BRAD:
Um...

1425
01:19:38,775 --> 01:19:40,235
We're doing great.

1426
01:19:40,652 --> 01:19:45,323
And then there was a vacuum.

1427
01:19:46,074 --> 01:19:48,326
And then there was...

1428
01:19:48,785 --> 01:19:51,121
...stretching and the juices.

1429
01:19:51,288 --> 01:19:55,375
What he's trying to say is that
we're just beyond words excited about--

1430
01:19:55,542 --> 01:19:56,710
Oh, goodness!

1431
01:19:56,876 --> 01:19:58,044
[COUGHING]

1432
01:19:58,211 --> 01:19:59,921
BRAD:
I got it on me!

1433
01:20:00,088 --> 01:20:01,756
I got some in my mouth!

1434
01:20:02,090 --> 01:20:03,508
I can't be around this!

1435
01:20:03,675 --> 01:20:04,884
I'm gonna do it too!

1436
01:28:28,054 --> 01:28:30,056
[ENGLISH SDH]