[UP-TEMPOED REMIX OF BING CROSBY'S "WHITE CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]
Hi.
My name is Kent. What's your name?
- Daphne. - Daphne? That's a really beautiful name.
It sounds like the name of a flower.
I know it's not a flower, but it sounds like it could be.
I like flowers.
Smelling them, or sending them to people and stuff. It's good.
Where you from?
- Connecticut. - Oh, really? I'm a big fan of Connecticut.
I'm a big-- Who isn't, right?
You're close enough to the city that you can really enjoy it...
...but far enough away for a small-town feel.
- Did you go to school out there? - Yeah. I went to Wesleyan.
Perfect. That's a great school.
- What did you major in? - Psychology.
That's great.
Those are really beautiful earrings, by the way.
They do a nice job of complementing your--
I'm gonna stop you right there. On paper, you've done everything right.
You took an interest in my personal history, complimented my accessories...
...blah, blah, blah.
If we'd met in college, we probably would have had a relationship...
...which I'd come to regret...
...because I'd have found out that you're as boring and polite in the bedroom...
...as you have been during this god-awful conversation.
- Okay, Daphne-- - If I wanted an asexual pen pal...
...you'd be at the top of my list.
We could just iChat all night long.
"LOL." Giggles.
But, unfortunately, that's not what I'm looking for.
I want a man whose hand doesn't shake when he puts it up my shirt.
You know what I'm saying?
- Okay, Daphne, if I could interject for a-- - Save it, Kent. I'm not looking for a BFF.
Daphne, please.
Bitch, I'm talking to you.
- What did you call me? - I didn't stutter.
Oh, you sure can talk the talk, you crazy little slut...
...but can you deliver the goodies?
I don't give a damn about Connecticut.
I hate those cheap earrings.
I'm from North Dakota...
...and this is how we handle our business in the Bison State, mama.
Get your hands off me right now...
...or I'll take you to your knees in front of this entire bar.
Promise?
GIRL: Oh, my God. Did you see that?
BRAD: Hold on, angel crossing! Angel crossing! Get on there.
Here we come! Watch out.
BRAD: What a beautiful view.
So this is where you live?
This is where you live too, honey. Come on.
KATE: What'd you think about Daphne? - I really liked Daphne.
KATE: You did? - Yeah.
Definitely naughty.
- She was a lot naughty, but in a fun way. - Yeah.
Did you like Kent?
KATE: Kent was hot. - Really?
- Those glasses were a nice touch. - I started feeling the Great Plains vibe.
Like he was an angry cowboy who drives a van.
- Hot. - But has ninja equipment at his apartment.
He had a lot happening, Kent. You know what I mean?
- He's like a Transformer. - I might need to meet Kent again.
Come here, toothpaste and all.
- I love you, Kate. - I love you, Brad.
You're the best girl in the world.
INSTRUCTOR: Ready, and...
...slow, quick, quick, slow.
INSTRUCTOR: Brad, streamlined arms. Kate, hold your frame.
A one and a two.
Let's get these off of you.
That was fun.
- That feels good. - It's the acupressure.
- Really? - I don't know what I'm doing.
This stuff is connected to all different stuff inside your tummy.
- I know. - If I push the wrong thing...
- Do you know what that's for? - Not till later.
- Okay? - So when's the big day?
KATE: Hm? - I'm sorry?
We're getting married in the spring in South Carolina.
- What about you guys? - Oh, we're not getting married.
WOMAN: Oh. - So why are you taking dance classes?
That's just one of many things...
-...that we do together. - Yeah, it's fun.
I can't think of anything we don't do together.
Right. So why wouldn't you wanna get married?
- Well, we're happy. - We're happy.
And I love her, so...
Marriage just brings pressure and stress and all kinds of stuff.
We don't want our relationship to turn into work.
We wanna be together because we enjoy it, not because we have to.
There's a reason that they use the expressions:
"Tying the knot" or "ball and chain."
Have you listened to the words of a marriage ceremony?
Like, "I promise to obey"? Or, "Till death do us part"?
I'd rather be stuck on an island...
...with some weird millionaire hunting me and me trying to escape...
...than be involved with those slogans.
That's like a time bomb waiting to explode.
What about children? You want to make them, no?
- No. - No. No.
- I don't wanna make them. KATE: Uh-uh.
I just don't wanna, like, be responsible for this kid...
...and hurt their feelings and disappoint them.
That's what happened with our families.
We're both from divorced families. We've seen it.
We don't need to repeat the pattern.
But, anyway, congratulations on getting married.
That sounds really cool, and to each their own.
Yeah, absolutely.
BRAD: Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
Big Bad Brad.
ERIC: How you guys doing? - Look at this. How are you?
- You remember my girlfriend. - How are you?
- Stan and Eric. - Good to see you.
So, what are you guys doing for Christmas?
I've got the entire family flying in.
Thirteen airport pickups.
Four days of listening to how gifted my nieces are.
My brother thinks his daughter, the 4-year-old...
...is gonna be the next Beyoncé.
[HUMMING]
She's bad. And she sucks.
I'm vacationing in tropical Albany this year with Trish's family.
They got us a cot, which is awesome.
But we'll probably sleep on the musty couch in the basement with the cats...
...all seven of them.
Oh, and we get to be there the whole week.
Kind of sounds like a prison sentence.
Why do you put yourselves through that?
- It's Christmas, right? Don't you have to? - We don't need to do it anymore.
- And we absolutely don't do it anymore. - We're done.
Why, what are you doing?
We're going to Fiji. Just the two of us.
- Fiji? KATE: Yeah.
Don't your families get upset?
You tell them you're doing charity work.
You know, something like building houses in Third World countries.
Teaching English in Puerto Rico.
Delousing orphans in Somalia.
Helping Chinese kids capture lobsters...
...boil them, cut them, clean the weird stuff out of the middle.
We find that the more details you give kind of throws them off the scent.
You lie to your families at Christmastime?
You really can't spell "families" without "lies."
Try it.
But don't you ever feel guilty?
For taking a vacation on our vacation? No, not really.
- You do look pretty sexy with a tan. - Thanks, babe.
You can take this guy. Take this guy and cover him here.
- Like that. - Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
By the way, I made a couples' massage for us when we get in.
You did? That's great.
I should probably check us in online after this.
- Did it. - You checked us in already?
You're the best, sweetheart.
I picked up those noise-canceling headphones you wanted.
- You did not. - It's next to your travel pillow.
- Oh, my God, I kept hinting. - I'm excited.
We should probably sign up for the scuba boat as soon as we get there...
...because I hear it fills up really quick.
Don't you ever feel like we've been on this vacation before?
Scuba diving and-- We did that in Bali and Costa Rica and Hawaii and--
Baby, this is Fiji. We've never been to Fiji.
That's a whole different island and the resort is beautiful...
...and the scuba diving there will be totally different.
It's different water, different fish. It's gonna be really good.
- I'm excited. - It's gonna be amazing.
Are you excited? I am. I'm really excited.
I am excited.
- I love you. - I love you too.
Hey, Mom. Merry Christmas.
Yeah.
Listen, actually, I'm sorry I didn't call you sooner...
...but we're actually heading out today to Burma.
Yeah. No, that's exac-- The island in Asia, Burma.
We're inoculating babies there.
We'll be-- Absolutely right. --helping out with these little kids.
Ma, it is such a great cause, but honestly, it just sucks...
...that we won't be there with you and the family. You know how much--
I know it's been years since I've been there for Christmas.
I really wish I would've called you sooner than I had...
...but I think Kate sent all the gifts and stuff to you.
Okay.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
That's "Merry Christmas" in Burmese.
All right, I'll tell her. I love you too. Bye.
You learned "Merry Christmas" in Burmese?
Honey, I gotta take everything to the next level.
Come on, let's do this. I'm excited.
WOMAN [ON PA]: Attention San Francisco passengers...
...all flights have been grounded due to extreme weather conditions.
Well, the fog's rolled in and your flight's not going out.
But what I can do is get you set up for standby...
...on the first flight to Fiji tomorrow, okay?
Tomorrow won't be great for us.
We've scheduled a couples' massage and scuba-diving class.
I'm sorry. I don't make the fog, I deal with it.
And the best I can do is get you guys set up with a suite at the Radisson.
They're lovely accommodations. It's right next to the airport.
You can put me up at the Radisson? That's great. Honey, did you hear that?
No, that's terrific.
Is it possible to take us to Sizzler and get us McDonald's?
KATE: Brad. - I'll miss flights more...
...now that I know this red-carpet service is available.
- That's terrific. I got a suite at the Radisson. - That's not helping, Brad, okay?
Are you affiliated with another airline?
- A sister airline that we could transfer to? - No, I'm sorry.
Do you have a cousin airline?
An airline that your airline's felt up before?
The FAA has ruled that the Bay Area fog is simply too thick.
No flights are coming in or going out until at least tomorrow morning.
Now let's see how travelers are coping in all of this chaos.
We have a couple over here.
Excuse me, sir. Excuse me.
Where are you headed for this Christmas?
MARISSA [WHISPERS]: We're live on the air.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] You certainly look dressed for a vacation.
We take a--
And then we take the trips.
And then we take a trip-- Take the different trip.
What he's trying to say is that we plan a trip every year...
...and this is actually ruining our Christmas.
You must be pretty upset. Are you visiting friends and family?
[PHONE RINGING]
This is Kate.
Oh, hi, Mom.
[PHONE BUZZING]
Flights are canceled today. But they're not--
It's my dad.
They're not sure whether or not it'll be today.
Honey, do you want me to answer it? Do I answer it? Do I pick it up or not?
- I know you have feelings. I do too. - You're making me nervous.
What are you saying? I don't know what this means.
He'll give you a big hug when he sees you, Mom.
- I'm not hugging anybody. - He's excited about the hug.
- We'll see you at noon. - Noon?
Are you crazy? Did you just commit us to going there at noon?
What did you want me to say? They just saw us on the news.
We're obviously not inoculating babies in Burma.
We are stuck here.
What did you say to your dad?
Well, I told my dad that of course we'd be going over there.
- Don't compare your situation to mine. - Are you kidding?
There's a nuance you seem to be missing.
My dad's a unique animal. Your mother's not.
My dad, your mom. My mom, your dad. Great.
Great. We have to go to all four families in one day.
Do you have any idea what you committed us to?
I know exactly what this means.
Brad.
BRAD: Hm. - Baby...
...I don't wanna fight.
Honey, I don't wanna fight either.
- I hate this. - We never fight, honey. I'm sorry.
I love you.
This is what our families do, you know that. This is what happens.
My mother makes me crazy every time I talk to her.
You're absolutely right.
We just gotta get through these four Christmases...
-...as quickly and painlessly as possible. - Exactly.
Promise me that no matter what happens today we'll still have each other, right?
- Honey, of course we will. - Okay.
Hey, listen. If one of these houses gets too intense...
...we're gonna need an exit strategy.
We need a word we both know that means it's time to leave.
- What should our safe word be? - That's such a good idea.
-"Mistletoe." -"Mistletoe" is really good. Okay.
By the way, my father's house here can get particularly uncomfortable.
So please, sweetheart, do not feel embarrassed...
...if you feel the need to pull the ripcord and say "mistletoe"...
...if this house gets too uncomfortable.
- Okay. - Even if we're in there for 10 minutes.
I'll let you know where I'm at.
I'm looking out for you. I want you to be cool.
I'm gonna go see your dad and your brothers right now.
Unless you're too weird with it, then we're not.
- I'm going in. - And going out would be...?
- Mistletoe. - Done. Let's get out of here.
Brad.
We're going in. Let's go.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
Son of a bitch. The TV stars actually came.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas, Dad.
Merry Christmas, Tiny.
- Good to see you. Good to see you. - Thanks for having us.
- Come on in. - Okay.
- Let's celebrate. - Okay.
[BAND PLAYING "SANTA CLAUSE IS COMIN' TO TOWN" ON TV]
HOWARD: That's a lot of presents you sent, boy.
You trying to outdo us here?
KATE: You know the biggest one's for you, Howard.
- Yeah? What is it? - I won't tell you. You have to open it.
BRAD: Oh, God!
What are you, crazy?
DALLAS: Bro. - Hey, buddy. Ow!
[BRAD GRUNTING]
DALLAS: Whoo! Baby!
Kate, these are my brothers, Denver and Dallas.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you. You must be Orlando's girl.
Orlando?
We're named after the cities in which we were conceived.
I'm Denver, that's Dallas.
And this is Orlando.
Orlando.
Well, my given name is Orlando, but I changed it to Brad, so...
I'm Brad.
- What? - Well, merry Christmas, one and all!
HOWARD: Come on. Come on.
Hors d'oeuvre, anyone?
Who you trying to impress, Suze?
- We also got beer-mosas in the back, so... - Ladies first.
KATE: Thank you so much. SUSAN: Sure.
- What is this? Is this cheese? - Yeah. Spray.
Spray cheese from the famous family of aerosol cheeses.
Ah!
HOWARD: Ooh.
[LAUGHS]
[GRUNTING]
- Give me your hand. BRAD: Please.
[BRAD SCREAMING]
Great. Here we go.
You got something to say about my wife's cheese?
Come on, damn it! Come on!
- Pump it! Pump it! Harder! - I haven't seen that move in a while.
BRAD: Get your dick out of my face! - Soldier boy! Soldier boy!
You like spray cheese! You like spray cheese!
BRAD: You're gonna snap my hand! - Bring it home, soldier boy.
Oh, God, honey. I am so sorry that you had to see that.
Let me apologize for them.
If you want to say "mistletoe" because it's too heavy for you, I get it.
Don't feel weird about that.
If you need to leave, you let me know what your comfort zone is.
Because that was weird.
I cannot believe you did not tell me your real name.
What are you talking about?
It's crazy. We've been together for 3 years, and I don't know your real name.
- Doesn't that strike you as odd? - No, it doesn't strike me as odd.
I hated my name, so I changed it.
You don't say, "My name used to be Asshole, but it's Bob."
You say, "My name's Bob."
Maybe to a stranger on the street, but to somebody you're sharing your life with?
- You tell them your real name. - I don't wanna get into this now.
This is what I was afraid would happen if we came here.
This isn't us, it's them. We're letting them in.
Your real name isn't "Asshole"? It's not your middle name?
- I don't wanna be blindsided again. - Oh, that's very funny.
Go ahead and take a shot at me.
It's bad enough with those Neanderthals. I gotta take it from you?
No, you shouldn't.
And you shouldn't let them walk all over you either.
Kate, they are trained UFC fighters. They know pressure points on people.
But you're twice their size.
They're semiprofessional cage fighters.
One person comes out, one doesn't. You know what I mean?
- Like cockfighting, but, like, with dudes. - You said they were personal trainers.
- They're dude cockfighters. - Like that thing on pay-per-view?
Yes, exactly. Except they don't actually get paid for it.
They mostly brawl in people's back yards, then upload the footage to YouTube.
Honey, my childhood was just like The Shawshank Redemption.
Except I didn't have some kind, older, soft-spoken gentle black man...
...to share my struggle with.
But you're not that child anymore, okay?
You're a grown, strong, confident, successful man.
Okay, I really don't wanna get into this.
Let me just let you know the truth. They're intimidated by you.
What you need to do is go out there and set some healthy boundaries...
...and demand that they respect you. You know what I'm saying?
DENVER: Big City, time to open presents. HOWARD: Come on, son. We gotta go!
This is your opportunity. You can do this, baby.
BRAD: Mm-hm.
Okay, gentlemen.
Can we just take it down a notch, please?
I'm not a kid. You can't talk to me like that anymore.
We're adults. Do you understand?
I'm a grown man with hair on my chest. Right?
There's going to be certain boundaries that will exist between us now.
They might be invisible, so I know that you won't be able to see them...
...but you'll certainly be able to respect the fact that they're there.
These boundaries are not to be crossed.
And if they are crossed...
...there's gonna be real consequences to that.
Thank you.
BRAD: Ow! Oh, God. - Welcome to the Octagon, son!
Don't! Stop it! Where you taking--? Ow!
- What's happening? DALLAS: Suplex!
Oh, my God.
BRAD: Ah!
- Oh, God! - Dad, tag us in.
- You boys get hurt, I lose custody again. - Tag them in!
CODY: Come on, Daddy. CONNOR: Tag us in.
DALLAS: Merry Christmas. - Yes.
Bring it!
DENVER: Yeah! Get it!
Yeah! Yeah!
Ah!
- Google me, bitch! - What?
Google me! You might wanna look me up sometime, Barbara!
- No! - Enough roughhousing!
Stop!
Let's open the presents so Orlando can get to his other Christmases, all right?
Let's do it.
That was excellent.
Baby?
It's me, it's me.
Are you okay? Did you break anything?
I am so proud of you.
Lando, you're closest to the tree. You distribute.
Gosh, wasn't it just so hard to find gifts under the $10 cap this year?
The first gift is to Connor.
- The $10 what? -$10 spending cap.
From Uncle Brad and his special friend Kate.
Maybe this will make you think about being mean to your nice uncle...
...after you see what he got you. Go ahead, open it up.
KATE: Brad. - Yeah.
- What? - Xbox? This is awesome, man!
Top-shelf for you, pal.
It's got the triple-core processor, wireless controllers, the whole deal.
There was a $10 spending cap.
How in the hell did you find an Xbox for under $10?
Somebody's trying to show off how much money he makes.
- Yeah. - Maybe someone's family...
...didn't tell him there was a $10 spending cap.
Maybe if you came home more than once a decade, you'd know that.
Okay, guys, can we try to stay positive here?
What's the problem? We're trying to give gifts to some children.
It's Christmas. Let's keep the momentum going here.
Okay, the next gift is to Cody.
And this is from your dad. Okay? I'm sure this is a good gift too, okay?
Dig in there. Tear it up.
A flashlight? That's it?
- Why don't you love me, Daddy? BRAD: Okay, okay.
Honestly, I think it's my fault. I didn't know there was a $10 spending cap.
Well, my gift from Santa Claus better be straight cool.
BRAD: I have a feeling that your gift from Santa...
...will probably ring in right around $10 too.
- Why? Is Santa Claus cheap like my daddy? BRAD: No, Santa is Dad.
- Dad just goes ahead and writes "Santa"-- - Lando.
BRAD: I don't understand.
What's happening? What's happening?
- What's the problem? What's the problem? - There's no Santa Claus?
Okay. You're joking with me, right? You're kidding with me.
They know there's not a Santa Claus, right?
- They do now. - How can you lie to us, Daddy?
BRAD: There is a Santa Claus. - Cody, come on, man.
CODY: Even Santa Claus don't love me!
Hey! That's not gonna bring back Santa. That's not gonna bring...
When he hurts inside and can't use his emotion words, he takes to streaking.
CODY: Ah!
Don't worry. He always comes back.
CODY: Nobody loves me!
Okay, look. I'm really, really, really sorry. I just assumed--
All right. All right.
Let's keep it moving. I'm starting to lose my buzz over here.
All right?
- What's this one here? - You're gonna love this puppy.
HOWARD: Yeah? KATE: That's a satellite dish, Howard.
Why would I want a satellite?
Dad, it's not a satellite. It's a satellite dish.
It's terrific because you got more channels, more viewing options.
You don't think I get enough channels?
Well, your TV right now is a radio, so...
Wait. How much is this gift gonna cost me a month?
It won't cost-- We're paying for the services, so nothing, actually.
Wait, wait, wait. Just because I drive a combine for a living...
...doesn't mean I need me a fancy-pants lawyer son paying my bills.
You win. If you wanna pay for the stuff, pay for it. Whatever you want.
The installation guy comes on Tuesday. He'll install it.
Cancel it. We install things ourselves in this house.
Dad? I think you'll want a professional to handle this technology--
If you think I'm going to allow a sex predator in a uniform...
...to wander around my house and touch my underwear...
...you got another thing coming. No. No, no, no.
I'll see you topside in 5. All three of you on the roof.
SUSAN: Let's go. - Okay.
Here, bring her to her mother. I gotta take a grumpy.
Why don't you just--?
Do you wanna go over to your mom?
Yeah. Okay, come here.
Be careful. There you go.
SUSAN: Ain't it nice having everybody home for the holidays?
Yes. It is.
SUSAN: We're gonna make bologna sandwiches, I think.
Okay. Here we go. Okay.
- Take it before it explodes. - Thank you.
I gotta go do some man's work.
You gotta use a locknut on that.
I know what I'm doing. I don't need any locknut.
I'm sorry. I didn't know you majored in satellite-dish installation at Stanford.
[HOWARD LAUGHS]
BRAD: Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.
That's great, dude. Mock me for being educated. That's awesome.
- Hey, Grandpa! - Hey.
CONNOR: Come play war with me.
Maybe later. Grandpa's busy.
Grandma's boyfriend plays with me whenever I want.
Your grandmother's boyfriend is a first-class ass-sniffer...
-...and you can tell him I said so! - Connor, go get us some beers.
Boy, Dad, sounds like you and Mom really turned a corner there.
Look, I don't wanna speak ill of your mother on Christmas...
...but she's nothing but a common street whore.
That's great, Dad. Nice restraint.
What do you call a woman...
...who throws away her career, abandons her kids and runs off with another man?
- What are you talking about? - What do you call her?
She was a cashier. That's not a career. That falls under the category of a job.
She left you because you wouldn't talk to her or spend time with her.
You shut her out of your life.
I fed her, I put a roof over her head, and I never lied to her face.
I spoiled her, is what I did.
Let that be a lesson to you kids about being honest with your wives.
You can't spell "families" without "lies," am I right?
DENVER: That's right. DALLAS: Amen, Dad.
What is she, like, two or three months?
- Nine. - Wow.
- Nine months? - Mm-hm.
And she's not walking or taking care of herself by now?
Are you kidding me?
Most days I'm lucky to get my boob out of her mouth so I can shower.
- Does that hurt? - What, breast-feeding?
No.
Maybe at first, but the nipples get tough.
I can't even hardly feel mine anymore.
Do you wanna flick one?
- No. - Please.
- No. - Go ahead, it's all right.
That's okay. I have a set of my own, so I'll just pass.
- Sure. - But thanks.
Of course.
Okay, we're all set!
Hey! The picture's all fuzzy!
You get me some sort of cheapo satellite?
No, it's not a cheapo satellite. I just gotta adjust it.
- How about now? - It's even worse.
I can make it work, hold on! How about now?
Get your hands off me.
- Hold her. I need to bake another layer. - No, no, no. Actually--
[BABY CRYING]
Okay.
- Okay. - Go on. You can't break her.
Okay.
Okay, you know what?
It's satellite. Point it at the satellite.
- How about now? Is it better now? - No, it's worse. It's still crappy!
[BABY CRYING]
I don't think she likes me.
She likes you fine. Just give her a chance to warm up to you.
- How about now? - Worse! It's worse!
BRAD: Son of a bitch.
Take the damn thing down! I can do better with my rabbit ears.
I love my rabbit ears!
[BABY CRYING]
Can you tell me hot or cold?
HOWARD: What? - Hot or cold?
Hot or cold what? What the hell does that mean, "hot or cold"?
[BABY CRYING]
How long until she warms up to me?
Not long at all.
- Horrible! - Pull it up!
Shut up and let me work!
I don't even want a fancy satellite! I don't want any kind of satellite!
It's not a satellite, genius! It's a satellite dish!
Okay.
DENVER: Point it up in the sky! - Get off my roof!
Pull the damn thing!
BRAD: Ah!
That's too much.
Whatever you're doing, stop it right now!
BRAD: I'm fine. HOWARD: Leave my TV alone!
BRAD: I'm okay. HOWARD: Stop it, you moron!
She stopped crying.
HOWARD: Be careful of my TV! - I did it.
You idiot! Stop it! Cut it out!
- This is all right. HOWARD: Leave my TV alone!
I'm fine.
- Who's awesome? - We're okay. Coming up.
Ah!
[BABY SCREAMING]
Give me back my baby.
HOWARD: You moron! - Mistletoe.
Mistletoe.
I can't believe I nailed that baby's head. I feel kind of bad about that.
It's my brother's kid. You couldn't have lowered its IQ. It's fine.
But I did get it to stop crying for a second.
I think it kind of liked me.
Do you know what happens to your nipples after you breast-feed?
BRAD: Uh-uh.
- I don't think I wanna know. - No, I don't think you do.
- It's violent. Graphic. Like tire rubber. - Okay.
KATE: Just so you know, it's a bit of a cougar den here at my mom's.
This is different.
Maybe she has a new boyfriend.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- Merry Christmas, Mom. - Merry Christmas, Kate.
- Come on in. - Merry Christmas.
- Well, give me a hug, Kate. - Oh, okay.
- Good to see you. - And you must be Brad.
- Ms. Kincade. - Oh, call me Marilyn.
And get over here and give me a hug, you big, fat, purple teddy bear!
Bring it.
- Yes. Yes. - Merry Christmas.
[MARILYN MOANS]
Shit, that feels good.
You're so tall and firm, like a giant oak.
DONNA: Oh, so he is tall. - And handsome.
Brad, this is my Aunt Sara.
- And this is my Aunt Donna. - Hi.
GRAM-GRAM: Genuine leather? - Nice to meet you ladies.
That cute little canary down there hanging on your belt is Gram-Gram.
I'm sorry, Gram-Gram, but that's my belt. That's attached to me.
Merry Christmas to you. That's a great sweater.
I get it.
[GRAM-GRAM CHUCKLES]
This is the den. Oh, well, everyone's in here.
I can't believe you came.
- Hey, Courtney. - Hi, sweetie.
I can't get up. Jackson is very gassy. I gotta keep bouncing him so he'll poop.
- Oh, okay. Well, this is Brad. - Hi.
Hi. I'm Courtney.
- Brad. Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
And that's Granddad.
And this is Courtney's husband, Jim.
COURTNEY: Take Jackson. - All right.
Oh, isn't he so good with kids?
Yeah. Can you believe we're gonna try again?
- Well-- COURTNEY: Oh, I forgot.
You're too cool for kids. It cramps your independence.
No, I never said I was too cool for kids.
Honey, I know you didn't say it. But you don't have any.
And you have really strong, concrete ideas about not having any.
KATE: Well, that's actually not--
You know what? I'd rather just not get into it.
Where's Kasi?
She's outside in the Jump-Jump with the neighborhood kids.
- There's a Jump-Jump? - Mm-hm.
Kate always hated the Jump-Jump.
In the fifth grade, bunch of kids trapped Kate inside the Jump-Jump.
- She never got over it. - I got over it.
- They tortured her for about an hour. - Why would they trap you in there that long?
Because she was...
...Cootie Kate.
- Courtney. COURTNEY: Sorry.
- Who's Cootie Kate? MARILYN: Didn't tell you about Cootie Kate?
Mom, this isn't necessary.
All the kids pretended that Kate had cooties, and no one talked to her.
If Kate even touched you...
...you'd have to wipe it off and spray with disinfectant to get out the cooties.
That sounds really hurtful.
- How long did that go on for? - I don't remember, but it wasn't long.
Seven years.
And that was a long time ago. I'm sure you don't have cooties now.
I'll test it out. Ah! Cooties!
[COURTNEY & MARILYN LAUGHING]
Pastor Phil has encouraged us...
...to dispense with the commercial trappings of the holiday...
- Who's Pastor Phil? - Mom's new beau. It's a whole new thing.
So...
...what I had in mind was that we would go around the room...
...and each of us would speak to the spiritual gifts that we might give.
A verbal gift-giving of sorts.
- Wait. There's really no presents? COURTNEY: Kasi.
MARILYN: None that you can see. Okay, I'll go first.
I would like to give more of myself to my church and to Pastor Phil.
Gram-Gram, would you like to go next?
I could increase the frequency...
...with which I pleasure Milt with my hand and with my mouth.
Did she just say that?
Brad, why don't you go next?
And follow Gram-Gram?
With the hand stuff and what she does with her stuff? Yeah. Okay.
I'd like to...
With Kate...
Would be to...
Vacationing more frequently and doing it with Kate.
- A vacation. - That is lovely, Brad.
He's so well-spoken.
Thank you. Thank you.
- Courtney, what would you give? - Well, I would like to give myself a gift.
And that is the gift of being pregnant.
Now, I know that comes with its own challenges for nine months...
...like getting fat and having people stare at you funny when you sneak a cig.
But I'd also like to give myself another gift...
...and that is a scheduled C-section that goes routinely.
Don't most women wanna have a natural birth?
Yeah, most women who haven't done it before.
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
COURTNEY: You just come here. No.
Kate, will you please hold him while I fix myself?
- What do you want me to do here? - You gotta hold him.
You got him? Hang on, I just wanna just fix myself here.
There we go.
KATE: What should I do? - See if he made a stinky.
- How do I do that? - Lift up his diaper and see if he made one.
Oh, yeah, there's something in here.
Oh, it's a really disgusting--
COURTNEY: Jackson. Oh, did you proj--?
[COUGHING]
You did projectile on Auntie?
Did Jackson projectile?
I'm gonna vomit.
I can't be around this.
Get him some water, he's sick.
BRAD: I'm gonna vomit. Look out. DONNA: Oh, God.
I'll get sick, I can't be near her.
What do I do?
Get away from me. I'm sorry, I love you. Get out of here. I can't breathe.
I'm gonna do it too!
COURTNEY: Kate? - What?
Are you joking me? These are the only clothes we have in the entire house?
How's that even possible?
It's not like you ever come around. You haven't been here in, like, forever.
I can't believe you told him about Cootie Kate.
How was I supposed to know you hadn't told him?
Like you'd tell Jim you were Cootie Courtney.
We know everything there is to know about each other.
He knows I slept with the water polo team...
...just like I know he experimented with men.
I didn't need to know that.
My point is, after three years, I would think that you and Brad...
...would know a bit more about each other than you already do.
How can you really appreciate someone for who they are...
...until you really know them?
Thank you.
Kind of feel like a Saudi prince in here.
We're just so glad that Kate has a boyfriend.
You're the longest relationship she's ever had with a man.
With a man?
That is ridicu--
What is this?
[PUMP BUZZING]
[BEEPING]
[BUZZING]
Oh, my God.
Who's that?
COURTNEY: That's Josephine. Everyone called her Jo.
She was Kate's only friend.
Last I heard, Jo coaches women's wrestling.
Check out how fat Kate was as a baby.
- That's Kate? COURTNEY: Yeah, I forgot about that one!
BRAD: She looks like Shaq.
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
Hi, Auntie Kate.
- Hi, Kasi. - What you doing?
Not much. Do you need to use the bathroom?
What's this?
That is my special magic marker.
- Uh-oh. - What?
We're not allowed to have magic markers. I have to tell my mom.
Oh, no, no, no. You don't need to tell your mom.
Actually, can I have it back? Because...
- Kasi. - You want this?
This is not a joke. This is not a game.
Auntie Kate needs her marker back, okay?
[KASI LAUGHING]
Kasi, this is not funny!
[KIDS YELLING]
Kasi, please come out of there.
Don't make me come and get you.
Kasi.
- Come on. - Come and get it.
[BALLOONS POPPING]
BRAD: Wait a minute. Kate went to fat camp?
Yup. She lost three pounds. It only took her all summer.
- Pound a month. MARILYN: Courtney.
Kasi, honey! Please give me back that marker!
- Keep away! BOY 1: Yeah, keep away!
Come and get it, old lady.
- What? BOY 2: Keep away, keep away!
- Give it to me. -"Give it to me."
Just give me the marker, okay?
"Just give me the marker, okay?"
Come and get it, sucker.
BOY 3: Don't let her get it!
BOY 1: Yeah!
That's Kate?
- So wait a minute. Who's that? - That's Kate.
That's not a boy named Bjorn?
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
BOY 1: Yeah!
BOY 2: Dog pile!
[KATE SCREAMING]
BOY 3: Yeah! Dog pile!
[KATE SCREAMING]
I can't believe it, Kate is actually playing with Kasi.
I've never seen her play with my kids before.
BRAD: Hey, hey, hey!
Mistletoe!
Brad!
Mistletoe!
- We're so glad you're here. - I'm having so much fun.
Look.
Why did she take so long to bring you here is what I wanna know.
[KIDS YELLING]
KATE: Ah!
I came here for a marker...
...and I'm not leaving without one.
Kasi!
That marker in your mouth?
I peed on it.
Ugh...
Hey.
Sweetheart, you never told me that you went to fat camp.
Okay, it was called Get Fit Camp.
I can't believe my family's showing you all my childhood pictures.
My favorite ones are when you were a baby.
It looks like you were supposed to be a twin but you ate the other baby in the womb.
That's why you're so powerful. You ate your sister and took her powers.
- Elvis was a twin. - Cut it out.
Baby, I love you.
It doesn't bother me if you were a large child with lesbian tendencies.
If that was your journey that led you to me, I'm cool with it.
-"Lesbian tendencies"? - I saw the pictures of Jo.
What? Jo wasn't gay.
Okay, honey, haircuts don't lie.
Okay, what did you do with Jo? Like, play baseball and ride motorcycles?
No, we were just kids.
She was imaginative. We'd play games in her basement.
She had this game called Suntan, and we'd pretend to be on the beach.
She'd take lotion, and she never wanted me to burn, so she'd rub it...
Okay. Listen and look at me.
You're a better kisser for it.
All I'm saying is it's not so fun when the shoe's on the other foot, right?
You shouldn't be so shitty about the Orlando stuff...
...when you have so many skeletons in your own closet, right?
Do not throw rocks when you live in a house of Jo.
- Okay, I see your point. - I love you. See you in a little bit.
Mom?
I really need to talk to you for a second.
I don't have time for this. I don't wanna be late for Pastor Phil.
But I just-- I kind of wanna talk about it now.
If it's important now, it'll be important after church.
Well, yeah, but I--
Can you clean yourself up a little? This is a nice church.
[GARY GLITTER'S "ROCK & ROLL PART 2" BLARING]
[CHEERING]
MAN: And now...
...your Pastor Phil!
PHIL: Glory to the newborn king!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Come praise him. Hallelujah.
Sing his praises. Hark, the herald angels sing.
Glory to the newborn king.
Hallelujah.
Please be seated.
I've been given a note.
The Walshes, who've performed the role of Mary and Joseph for the last three years...
...and done a great job, had some food that didn't agree with them.
So we'll need a pair of volunteers to perform the roles of Mary and Joseph.
[WHISPERING] Hey. Honey, you should do it.
What? No. I'm not getting up there in front of a bunch of strangers.
You are stage-trained. You played Pippin in high school.
No, I wasn't Pippin, I was in Pippin.
I played a tree because I had such bad stage fright. Do you remember this?
I know this seems like I'm putting you on the spot and, in fact, I am.
Honey, Pastor Phil needs you.
I'm not gonna do it.
Do I have a volunteer? Or do I still need a volunteer?
- Kate will play the Virgin Mary! - What?
Hallelujah. Joy to the world.
- Just said I wouldn't. - This is so blessed of you to do.
PHIL: Kate, you stand up! Stand up!
Look at the joy you've brought this congregation by volunteering to be Mary.
Lo, I still need a Joseph.
Brad, be Joseph.
I'm not stage-trained. I never played Pippin.
You don't have to perform, just get up. I don't wanna be alone.
It's not gonna happen.
Brad, do stand up.
You are a part of this earth, Brad.
Listen to me, Brad. I need you to look out for me up there...
...because I'm starting to get really nervous.
- That stage-fright thing. BRAD: How do I look?
What do you think?
You look fine. I'm trying to get you to ta--
My man skirt too short, or is it okay? Honestly.
It's a little short.
Okay, here's Jesus.
They don't use a doll?
Here are your scripts.
BRAD: Scripts? I'm not equipped for scripts. KATE: Hi, Jesus.
No one said there'd be lines--
- Hey, Jesus. WOMAN: Actually, his name is Bernard.
Okay. Hi, Bernard.
I got lines. I gotta try to get my voice ready.
Red leather, yellow leather.
This is a good baby.
Look at this baby.
Baby, do you see, Baby Jesus is really kind of cute.
"This child is a blessing to the both of us."
Really?
What? You think I should do it bigger?
More like, "This child is a blessing to the both of us!"
But not angry, inspired.
Oh, my God, there's so many different ways to play this thing.
Can I ask you a question, seriously?
My wife is pregnant, but it's not my child.
Do you think I'm cool with it because God's the one that got her pregnant?
PHIL: Are we ready to see the result of that Immaculate Conception?
Hallelujah!
Brad, I don't feel good.
Maybe you should hold the baby.
Sweetheart, I gotta get my instrument loose.
Just remember: Acting is reacting.
Joseph and Mary went up from Galilee and out of the city of Nazareth.
Okay. Find your truth.
I'm gonna blow the roof off this bitch.
Brad, I don't know if I can do this.
Check it out, baby, they're digging my walk.
And because there was no room in the inn, they stayed in the stable.
And Mary wrapped the baby in swaddling clothes...
...and placed him in a manger.
And Mary wrapped the baby in swaddling clothes...
...and placed him in a manger.
[WHISPERS] Put him in it.
[WHISPERS] Brad, help me swaddle.
[WHISPERS] I gotta say my line. We're losing the audience. It's dead air.
MAN: Come on, Mary!
[IN NORMAL VOICE] This child is a blessing to the both of us.
Amen.
That's right.
[BOTH WHISPERING] Your line.
- I forgot my line. - What?
I forgot my line.
Well, thank goodness I memorized yours too.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] We shall name him Jesus.
Glory to God.
And peace on Earth, to the highest point on Earth.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[BOTH WHISPERING] No swaddle cloth. This isn't enough.
Someone's gotta carry the performance.
Brad, I can't feel my legs. Please don't do this to me.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] It would appear that my wife is better...
...at making babies than swaddling them, no?
Yes?
[CROWD LAUGHING]
[WHISPERING] Brad, you're wearing the swaddle cloth on your belt.
Woman, do your job and swaddle this baby!
[WHISPERING] Brad, I can't. You're wearing the swaddle around your belt.
Enough! This child's life is now in jeopardy.
Unfit mother, give me this baby.
[BABY CRYING]
And I, Joseph...
...shall swaddle this baby.
And I, Joseph...
...will protect this child.
Forgive her, son...
...for she knows not what she's done.
Yeah!
Yes! Yes!
[UP-TEMPOED MUSIC PLAYING]
Hallelujah!
That's the message of Christmas!
MAN: Come on!
PHIL: Hallelujah!
Whoo-hoo!
PHIL: Hallelujah!
MARILYN: That was inspiring.
[PEOPLE SINGING UP-TEMPOED VERSION OF "SILENT NIGHT"]
BRAD: Now I know how Celine Dion feels after a show.
Because you give so much.
But I got a lot back too.
You feel like Celine Dion?
How do you calm down off of such a high? It's difficult to do.
I just can't believe you threw me down in front of an entire congregation.
- You were thinking about yourself. - I was thinking of the show.
And quite frankly, I think I brought the whole thing home.
- Oh, my God. - I did.
- Is this how it'll be with us? - Is this how what'll be?
I'd like to know that you'll be there for me in a time of crisis.
If we were on a plane going down, I was passed out...
...and they said, "Everybody put on their oxygen mask."
I'd like to know that you'd put mine on before you put on your own. You know?
I wouldn't. And the FAA wouldn't want me to do it either.
- I'm not talking about the FAA. - Do you ever listen?
- What? - Do you listen to the stewardesses?
Too busy using a BlackBerry, having them tell you to shut it off?
I listen to the stewardesses.
They let you know that you're supposed to put your mask on in case of emergency...
...before you try to help out a child or an unfit adult next to you.
If you pass out, you won't help. "I'm putting the mask on this one.
Now I'm passed out. Now I'm not helping anybody."
KATE: That's not the point. - Then what is the point?
Maybe I'm going at this wrong. What's your point?
KATE: We're not really connecting. It's like you're not even present.
I have been present. I've been here all day.
We've been doing things alongside each other...
...but I would like for us to do some things together.
I think you're upset with your family, and I think you're taking it out on me.
- I've been upset with them for years. - It's not fun!
This is not about my family. This is about you and me.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I just want something different for us.
- Merry Christmas, stranger. - Mom!
God, I've missed you.
- Good to see you, Mom. - Oh, it's been so long.
- And you must be Kate. - Yes.
Oh, she's darling.
- It's wonderful to meet you. - Thank you. It's nice to meet you.
- So should I call you--? - Just call me Paula. Just Paula.
I am so glad you came.
Looks like you've taken good care of him. Certainly hasn't missed many meals.
- Oh, that's great. KATE: He likes to snack.
PAULA: Yes, he does. - I do.
Well, come on in and relax.
I've fixed all of your favorite dishes, Bradford.
Denver and Susan are watching TV, so let's just sit here and catch up for a minute.
KATE: Your house is beautiful. - Oh, thank you.
KATE: This is gorgeous.
Well, you knew Bradford lived with me after the divorce.
Denver and Dallas were more comfortable with Howard...
...but Bradford was the more sensitive type.
Oh, we were just best friends. Just inseparable.
My God, he breast-fed until he was 5.
- Thought I'd have to take you to college. - We've had enough--
The only one who was on my tits more was a professor I dated after his father.
- Can you not say "tits," please? - Hey, kids!
Oh, Kate, this is Darryl.
Hi, nice to meet you.
It is so nice to meet you, young lady.
And always great to see you, big guy! Hey, how was traffic getting out here, huh?
You know what? I'd really like to get your gas money.
Actually, I don't need you to get my gas money, thank you.
I make a lot more than you do, so no, thank you.
Bradford, be nice.
DARRYL: It's okay, sweetie.
Look, Brad...
...I'm not trying to be your father.
You already got one of those.
I'm just hoping for a chance to be your friend.
You were my friend, Darryl. You were my best friend.
We grew up together, we rode bikes together. We'd smell each other's hands.
Now you're sleeping with my mom, and it's weird for me. Can you appreciate that?
I never had a sexual thought about your mom until I was 30.
Can you leave it alone? You can't be my friend anymore.
You can't be sleeping with my mom and still be my friend, okay?
Is anybody else thirsty?
- Kate, what can I get you to drink? - I'm good.
Your mother is a very sexual being, Brad.
- She's a very what? - She's a great lover and--
Say that again and I'll bust your mouth open.
Lookit, this is Christmas, and we are not gonna go there.
Kate has been kind enough to send us some games...
...and we are gonna play them, and we're gonna have fun. Okay?
Why are you staring at me when you eat the wings?
It's uncomfortable.
Connor, honey, don't eat those brownies. Those are my special brownies.
Kate, could you be a lamb and explain the rules?
Oh, of course.
Get your teammate to say the word on the top of the card...
...but you can't say any of the words listed beneath.
And if you say any of the taboo words then you get buzzed.
Okay? Does that make sense?
I'm so excited to have you all here to play this game together. It'll be so much fun.
Hey, it's good to have my friend back.
So who wants to go first?
- I'll go. - Okay.
Brad, why don't you buzz your mom...
...and then I'll do the timer?
Thanks.
On your mark, get set...
...go.
Okay. This is a town in France.
[BUZZ]
- What? -"France" is on the thing.
- Don't buzz me like that. - It's the same for everybody.
It's okay, sweetie, just do the next card.
Okay...
...this is me.
- I'm a...? - Cradle robber.
DARRYL: Keep going. - What did he say?
Don't worry. You're a therapist.
No, no, no. Not Capricorn but a--
- Libra. - Yes!
It's fun.
Okay...
...this is what you dripped on me.
Wax.
PAULA: No, after that.
- It's brown. - Okay, make this stop, please.
- Oh, chocolate. - No, before that, after the wax!
BRAD: Oh, my God. - The syrup.
- Yes! DARRYL: Yes! Yes.
It's way sticky, dude. I would not recommend that.
PAULA: Okay. - Okay, time. Time.
- Oh, good job, good job. - Good job. Well, we got two.
Okay, who wants to go next?
- We'll go. KATE: Okay, great.
KATE: I'll do the buzzer.
Are you gonna actually eat while you play that?
- Just flip the tube. BRAD: Excuse me?
Flip the tube.
KATE: Okay. On your mark, get set, go!
Capital of China.
- Hong Kong. - Yes.
Thing next to your bed on the nightstand.
- A sock? - Yes.
SUSAN: I helped you come up with this when you were drunk...
...and you came home from the bar last Thursday.
- Alibi. - Yes.
All right. The thing I'm not allowed to wear to Supercross.
- Miniskirt. - Yes.
Me and you dry-humping on the beach.
- A screen saver. - Yes, baby. This game is so easy.
The only man that I am allowed to cheat on you with.
- John Grisham. - Yes.
Mexican dude.
- Ricardo Montalban. - Yes.
- Time. - Right here.
SUSAN: Oh, my God. Come here.
This is like an animals-attack video.
- There's other people. - Stop, baby.
Sto-- Oh, God.
You guys got a lot. How many was that?
- Seven. - Seven.
KATE: Paula, can you do the buzzer? PAULA: Oh, yeah.
We can do this, baby. You ready?
- Yeah. Let's do it. - Okay, let's light a fire.
SUSAN: Ready? Go.
Okay, this is the thing I'm most scared of in the whole world.
- Snakes. - No, no. The thing I'm most scared of.
Jump-Jumps, 4-year-olds.
More than anything. This scares me to my core.
You have to come with a-- Use a lifeline. Ask the audience.
Spiders. I'm scared of spiders.
BRAD: You don't have to say the answer.
You say something like "an eight-legged animal," or like "a superhero--"
[BUZZ] Can't say "superhero."
- Mom, I'm not the one with the card. - Let's just try again.
Okay. In high school, my senior year spring break I was in Cancun.
I was wearing this bikini top, I'd lost all this weight.
- Tourist. Skinny. - And-- No, no, no.
- Thin? - No, I was on the bar, shaking around--
- Dancer. - My stuff fell out. All the bartenders--
- Your what fell out? - My stuff.
Everybody would call me when I went to the bar.
They'd say: "Oh, here comes..."?
Peek-a-boo.
Okay, honey, you can say, like, "look." Or like something--
[BUZZ] Can't say "look."
I don't have the card. I'm giving examples.
- Let's go. - If I have the thing...
- See? - You can't say "see."
- I'm just explaining how the game works. - Can't say "game"!
Mom, the answer's been said. She said the answer.
- We're running out of time. - You know what I mean?
I got it. Okay, this is something that you would eat...
...and you put it on the barbeque.
- Chicken. - My favorite--
- Beef. - Can't say "beef"!
Mom, I'm not the one saying the things. Do you get that? Just, shh, with the--
PAULA: You can't say "shh." - I can say "shush."
KATE: Move on. PAULA: Can't "shush."
"Kebab."
Ma, it's "kebab." It says I can't say "shish."
Shish. Shish. Shish.
I could say it because I don't have it.
That's why there's a thing, so that I can't see what it is.
KATE: Okay, let's just move on.
Our time's up.
What's this attitude, Brad?
No attitude, I've shut down.
She buzzes me, I'm explaining to you how to play the game...
...you obviously don't understand the ways to play the game...
...and I'm shutting down.
I wanna talk to you about something.
I know what you wanna talk about.
- You do? - I don't want you to apologize for it.
Because love means never having to say that you're sorry. You know what I mean?
But for the record, I do forgive you.
But when you're playing board games...
...you shouldn't go so conceptual, you do wanna go a lot more literal.
- But how else will you know unless you--? - No. I took a pregnancy test today.
You took what?
I took a pregnancy test today.
At my mom's house.
It was in my sister's bag...
...and I'd been a couple days late, so I thought I should probably take a test--
- Honey, you pulled the goalie? - What?
You can't pull the goalie without checking with your team.
That's not what this conversation is about.
Well, what are you talking about?
Relax, Brad, it was negative. I'm not pregnant.
Why don't you just hit me with that right from the start...
...versus making me take laps around the anxiety pool?
What is this reaction?
If there's one thing we learned by being forced to be with our families today...
...it's about the dangers of procreating. All right?
- Besides, that's not what we want in life. - No, Brad, I realized it today.
I thought I'd always known I didn't wanna have kids.
Then I took the test, waited to see if it's positive or negative, and thought...
For just a second I felt different, you know?
I felt hopeful.
Like maybe it would just happen and we'd be forced to get over all of our fears.
We've spent so much of our relationship creating all these boundaries.
Making sure that we don't limit ourselves with responsibility and obligation.
I don't wanna live like that anymore. That's not loving at all.
Is that an '80s song?
- No, Brad. - Are you throwing '80s songs?
I'm tired of being one foot in.
I want us to love each other however it's gonna be.
And if one day that means that we get married, or have kids one day...
...I feel like that's okay.
I wanna be in a relationship that goes where it needs to go.
Okay. And I'd like the relationship to go to Fiji.
- This is important. - Let's drop this.
- I wanna have this conversation. - I don't wanna have the conversation.
I don't wanna have it. I feel the same way I did when we first met.
I've been honest the whole time.
I don't wanna have a conversation about it, because I don't want those things.
Okay.
It's okay, you don't have to come in.
I'm not gonna make you go in by yourself.
I'll have my sister drive me back to the city.
We'll go, and I'll drive you home.
I won't go in there and pretend that we're something we're not.
- I can't do that anymore. - Baby, listen to me. Please.
Let's not overreact to the situation.
I'm not overreacting, Brad. I get it.
I'm the one changing the rules.
And if you don't wanna change them with me, I understand.
I just can't do this anymore.
CREIGHTON: Honey?
Coming in?
Hey, Dad.
She made it.
Auntie Kate! Auntie Kate! Merry Christmas again!
Hi, Kasi. Merry Christmas.
KASI: Come see the cool stuff Grandpa Creighton got me.
Okay.
- Hi, I'm Cheryl, your dad's girlfriend. - Oh, hi. Nice to finally meet you.
- Excuse me. KATE: Called away, are you?
MARILYN: Hey, Kate. KATE: Hi, Mom.
KASI: I got a Dora Explorer backpack...
...a matching Dora thermos...
...a big-girl necklace and princess shoes.
Hey, guys. Hi, Auntie Kate. Where's Brad?
Kasi, why don't you go tell Grandpa thanks for all your new toys?
You better go, or I'm going to tickle.
Go.
KATE: This is amazing. Dad and Mom in the same room?
I thought they hated each other.
Well, they've been getting together for stuff since Kasi turned 1.
KATE: It must be really nice for Kasi.
It's really nice for everyone.
Where is Brad?
He's not gonna make it.
And if it's all the same to everybody I'd rather not talk about it.
I didn't realize I stepped on anything heavy.
It's just not anything I wanna get into right now.
We won't talk about him.
I have a great idea. Internet dating.
You should do it. It's great.
You just pay 20 bucks and you put in your profile.
Susan next door did it and found her husband that way. It's great.
He doesn't have a job yet but they're working on it. You should totally do it.
- I'll think about that. - Yes!
I'm gonna take a minute and just...
Okay, I got you. I got your back. I got you.
Thanks.
[SIGHS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey, kiddo.
Hey, Dad.
Did Brad leave to get a jump-start on inoculating babies in Burma?
What?
Maybe he's making sock monkeys for foster kids.
Or weaving ponchos for pregnant women in the Yucatán.
[LAUGHS]
So I guess you knew we were lying.
Oh, boy.
Unfortunately...
...I've had a lot of experience bending the truth to avoid my family.
And I'll tell you, honey...
...I would give anything...
...to have that time back again.
I would too.
It's taken me a lot of years...
...and several divorces...
...to learn...
...that nothing really beats being honest.
Honest about who you are, what you need.
All the rest tends to work itself out.
I was honest.
And I think he was too.
It just wasn't what I wanted to hear.
[SIGHS]
CREIGHTON: Cheryl made the dressing I like so much...
...and I did some of the cooking too.
I even put the ice cubes in the glasses...
...and the salt in the salt shakers.
All right, well...
Not long ago...
...I wouldn't have been able to put this group of people together...
...in my wildest imagination.
The changes we've all been through...
...the little hurts we've given each other...
...we hope we're forgiven for them.
We thank you, dear Lord...
...because there's nothing more important...
...than family.
Amen.
[KNOCKING]
What the hell do you want?
You forgot your tampons?
No, I didn't forget anything.
I just came by to see you.
What for?
You already destroyed my TV and family room.
You wanna bust up my kitchen as well?
I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to do that. I was just trying to--
Where's Tiny? She didn't come?
Well, Kate...
-...she's not with me. - Oh.
She finally smelled the pathetic on you, did she?
No.
In fact, she said that she wanted to get more serious with me.
Yeah, she said that, you know, she loved me...
...and she wanted to see herself having a family with me. Having kids with me.
Well, congratulations. That what you wanna hear?
- But I said no, Dad. - You what?
Yeah, I told her I didn't wanna get married.
- Are you shitting me? - Uh-uh.
I'll be damned. I'll be damned.
That's my boy.
I'll be damned.
I always said you were the smart one, Lando.
Your mind and spirit are strong like mine.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I tell you, it's always the one you fight with the most is the most like you.
Well, what are we standing out here for?
Let's have a drink. Just the two of us.
Man to man. Father and son. All right?
- Merry Christmas, Dad. - Yeah. Merry Christmas.
You a big boy now.
Let's go in.
Take appraisal of the damage you've done.
[HOWARD LAUGHS]
Come on.
CHERYL: Would anyone like anything else?
CREIGHTON: No, no. - I'm full.
This one's out.
COURTNEY: Dad, can you check on Jackson?
MARILYN: Take her blankie.
COURTNEY: Who's got the pillow?
CREIGHTON: This is hers? - Yeah.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hey.
Okay, listen:
If you get one, you might as well get two, because they're like dogs.
What are you talking about?
Kids. If you leave one by itself at home, you'll never leave...
...because you'll feel guilty about it being by itself.
With two, you don't feel bad because they got someone to play with.
The other thing to think about is school.
If you send them to private school you got sweater vest and lacrosse all day.
But with public school, you worry about some hyperactive art student...
...hopped up on medication, trying to shank the little guy.
And that's uncomfortable too.
Are you having this conversation with me because you're comfortable having it?
Or just because you wanna go to Fiji?
I wanna go to Fiji.
The tickets are already paid for and the hotel rooms aren't transferable.
But, honey, I do feel comfortable now, I think, having this conversation.
Because, in my heart, I know that I found...
...the one person in life that I wanna have these conversations with.
And that person's you. I love you so much.
Come here.
So this doesn't mean we're getting married...
-...or having kids right away. - No, no, no.
But we should talk about it, because things happen.
Not that we're planning on it.
But we're talking about it, because these things happen.
And if we do have them...
...then, you know, there's a lot of advantages.
Yeah. They're wonderful. They give you love unconditionally--
They're little walking tax shelters. You can write a lot of stuff off.
And all the yard work. You save so much money.
I mean, once they're a certain age.
You won't have them on the lawnmower when they're 7.
- We're not talking about slave labor. - No.
- Teaching them discipline. - Chores for money.
We weren't planning for our future.
We would've ended up living in some home playing bingo in Florida.
- But now, we can live with them. - They'll set us up.
We never thought about it like this before.
Honey, I want you to feel comfortable to talk to me about anything.
Unless there's, like, you know, a playoff game or something like that.
You know what I mean? Then we find an appropriate time.
- I'm kidding. Kind of. - Okay, babe.
Just to be clear, this doesn't mean we're getting married or having kids right away.
It just means that we're open to let love grow where it wants to grow.
- Exactly, yeah. - We're open to letting it grow.
That doesn't mean kids.
BRAD: Wow, I can't believe we did it. - We did.
I don't know what happened. I can't even remember the procedure.
But here's this beautiful thing, here.
I did feel a little like an air-traffic controller, between the:
[GRUNTING]
And the signals and stuff.
It just kind of all happened, but, God, it's awesome, baby.
- Isn't it amazing? - You were amazing.
You just rocked this world!
- We have a baby. - How's she doing?
Good. She's sleeping.
Just wanted to let you and our New Year's baby know...
...that you're welcome to bring in family members now.
- That's not happening. - We're not bringing in our family.
Your families don't know you had a baby?
To be honest, they'd be shocked to even hear Kate was pregnant.
Our families can be a little much sometimes.
I like to think of it like we're keeping it special for us...
...rather than not including them.
Happy New Year, Bay Area. We are here at Pacific General...
...where the first baby of the New Year has just been born.
Let's go say hello to those lucky parents.
Congratulations, McVie family, on having the first baby of the New Year.
Dad, how does it feel?
BRAD: Um...
We're doing great.
And then there was a vacuum.
And then there was...
...stretching and the juices.
What he's trying to say is that we're just beyond words excited about--
Oh, goodness!
[COUGHING]
BRAD: I got it on me!
I got some in my mouth!
I can't be around this!
I'm gonna do it too!
[ENGLISH SDH]